IMPORTANCE OF A STABLE AND RESPONSIBLE FAMILY

[This chapter is linked with various previous chapters. Readers are requested to read them all in a sequence for better clarity.]

Humans are born with several needs, but at the same time, they are helpless and unaware of how to fulfill them.

Allah brought you out of your mother’s wombs, not knowing anything ……… (16:78)

Unlike other biological creatures, they grow very slowly. They, therefore, need a long-lasting or permanent institution where their primary physical, biological, emotional, mental, and social needs can easily be fulfilled and where they can efficiently learn how to meet these needs by themselves as adults. In this respect, a responsible and stable family plays a vital role not only in fulfilling the needs of a lean, weak, inexperienced, and helpless newborn but also in teaching him/her healthy and productive ways of living in a larger social group [society] as he/she grows.

A family is thus a natural institution where, along with physical and psychological care, refinement of young individuals takes place, and they are prepared to make a civilized society. The more a family is aware of its responsibilities, the more it is stable. Only a responsible and stable family prepares healthy, positive, productive, and responsible individuals and strengthens society with peace. No school, college, university, or any other institution can guide individuals and refine their behaviors as the family can. It is the most important institution of human society. If this institution fails to fulfill its responsibilities or becomes unstable, the human civilization will get into trouble. It is, therefore, essential for everyone to understand what makes this institution strong and stable. This understanding is crucial for the development of responsible individuals and the formation of a healthy society.

16.1 THE IMPORTANCE OF A MARRIAGE CONTRACT

The first thing that gives strength and stability to a family is the marriage contract. As we have seen in Chapter Fifteen, it not only gives freedom to a man and a woman to fulfill their natural urge but assigns them responsibilities as well. These responsibilities include giving care and protection to a child who comes to life because of their relationship and educating him/her socially on how to be a productive and healthy part of society. Moreover, a marriage contract protects the rights of a man, a woman, and their child and binds them together in a relationship that helps in taking care of each other and gives stability to their relationships.

It is He [Allah] Who, from the fluid, created the human being. Then He made relationships through marriage and mating. Your Rubb is Omnipotent (25:54).

Help, support, or care is essential for human survival. Humans are not only born helpless, but after attaining strength [in adulthood], they again become weak and dependent when they grow old.

Allah is the One Who created you from weakness, then made after weakness strength, then made after strength weakness and white hair. He creates what He wills, and He is the Knowing, the Competent (30:54).

Whomever We grant old age, We reverse his development………. (36:68)

In the course of human development, a time comes when a child who was once helpless and supported by his parents becomes strong; and his parents who used to give him/her care and protection, become frail when they grow old. In such cases, supportive relations are important for the care of humanity.

We have entrusted the human being with the care of his parents. His mother carried him through hardship upon hardship, weaning him in two years. So give thanks to Me, and to your parents………….. (31:14) 

And We have enjoined upon man [kind], to his parents, good treatment………………. (46:15)

………………..be good to your parents. If either of them or both reach old age with you, do not say to them a word of disrespect [like “uff”], nor scold them, but say to them kind words. (17:23)

And lower to them the wing of humility, out of mercy, and say, “My Rubb, have mercy on them, as they raised me when I was a child.” (17:24)

A marriage contract between a man and a woman not only creates a relationship of a husband and wife but also develops many other relationships like parents, children, siblings, grandparents, grandchildren, uncles, and aunts. As all these relations are legally bonded through the law of inheritance, they are morally bound to take care of each other [details of the law of inheritance have already been given in Chapter Fifteen]. This is how a marriage contract between a man and a woman not only keeps different individuals united but makes a family a caretaking institution. If a parent or both are no longer available [due to death, separation, or other circumstances] to take care for the child, other relatives take over the responsibility.

It is duty of the father to provide for them and clothe them in a proper manner. …………………….. The same duty rests upon the heir ……………………… (2:233)

And do not approach the property of an orphan, except in the way that is best, until he reaches maturity. And fulfill [every] commitment. Indeed, the commitment is ever [that about which one will be] questioned (17:34) [Guidelines about taking care of the orphans have already been given in Chapter Fourteen.]

Those who establish relationships without a marriage contract destabilize relationships because they do not feel liable for any support or care. They take advantage of the other and break off relations any time they want. Such an indifferent and selfish approach to life not only destabilizes relationships but creates problems for the healthy survival of humanity [how can humanity survive if no one is willing to take responsibility for looking after each other?]

A marriage contract removes conflicts and confusion in roles and responsibilities and stabilizes different relationships. However, those who despite having such a contract, do not fulfill their responsibilities or play their role properly are like those who, despite having a boat, drown themselves [and all those in the boat] because of mishandling it.

16.2 IMPORTANCE OF THE CLARITY OF ROLES AND THEIR RESPECTIVE RESPONSIBILITIES

Each role has its respective duties [responsibilities]. A family can only become an effective institution when men and women have full clarity of their roles and their respective responsibilities. The marriage contract assigns a man and a woman the roles of husband and wife, respectively. These roles take on a new form as a father and a mother when both husband and wife become parents of a child. The clarity of roles and responsibilities of men and women as husband and wife and father and mother is important because it helps them play their roles effectively. The effectiveness of their roles keeps their relationships [with each other and with their children] strong and reliable/ trustworthy. Strength and trust in relationships keep their family together and do not let it break. Families where everyone knows his or her role and responsibility remain calm, happy, emotionally strong, and united. Those, on the other hand, who do not have clarity of their roles, mishandle their relationships, and upset the peace of their family. Children growing up in upset/unstable families cannot learn their roles efficiently and different social skills properly. When they enter the bigger social circle [society], they cannot manage things appropriately, which creates problems not only for themselves but for society as well [details in the next parts of this chapter].

16.3 IMPORTANCE OF CONSTANCY IN THE ROLES AND RESPONSIBILITIES OF BOTH GENDERS

Constancy in the roles and responsibilities is also important for their effectiveness and giving strength and stability to a family. If the roles and responsibilities of both genders keep changing over time, they create confusion and cause conflict. Thus, it is important to continue them in succession without any alteration. As mentioned in Chapter Two, the rules of life, like the rules of anything else in nature, are set once and for all by Allah Himself. These rules work in coherence. A little alteration in any of them can disturb all arrangements of life. 

The Word of your Rubb has been completed, in truth and justice. There is no changing to His words………….. (6:115) 

The rules of life, set by Allah, clearly define the roles and responsibilities of both genders. They are set for all generations of humanity and are equally described in all the Divine Books [some have been mentioned in Chapter Fifteen, and the rest will be discussed in this and the next chapters]. Thus, any family, whether ancient or modern, Eastern or Western, rich or poor, by observing these rules of roles and responsibilities, not only makes its individuals happy, healthy, and calm but also gives strength and stability to its society [details will come as the chapter progresses].

16.4 IMPORTANCE OF THE DISTRIBUTION OF RESPONSIBILITIES

According to the rules set by Allah, men are the protectors and providers of the provisions [livelihood] for the family, and women are the homemakers [details have already been given in Chapter Fifteen]. It is the best arrangement for a healthy family because no one is burdened with extra responsibility. Children growing up in such an environment [and other dependents in a family like the elderly, weak, disabled, sick, and orphans] are never neglected of their essential needs, and they receive the best care essential for their wellbeing.

Alteration to these rules disturbs the burden of responsibilities, which results in role-stress.  Overburdening of responsibilities causes physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion, which leads to stress and family conflicts. Stress, as already mentioned in Chapter Four, is lethal – it not only spoils physical and mental health but also disturbs social peace. The distribution of different roles and their respective responsibilities to both genders is basically a relief from different physical, mental, and social burdens.

And Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]; and mankind was created weak (4:28).

With relieved minds, both husband and wife can raise their children properly and take care of every member of the family.

It is important to mention here that men are protectors and providers of provision for the women [and their children]; they, therefore, have more rights [details have already been given in Chapter Fifteen]. However, they are not controllers who can go against the will of the women.

…… women have rights similar to their obligations, according to what is fair. But men have a degree over them. Allah is Mighty and Wise (2:228).

O you who believe! It is not permitted for you to inherit women against their will. And do not coerce them…………………… (4:19)

Similarly, women are also obligated to reciprocate their husbands for their protection and provision by being sincere to them.

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, as Allah has given some of them an advantage, over others, and because they spend out of their wealth. The good women are obedient, guarding what Allah would have them guard [i.e., their chastity] …………. (4:34) [Details about marriage and its related issues have already been given in Chapter Fifteen]

16.5 UNDERSTANDING THE LOGIC OF THE DISTRIBUTION OF RESPONSIBILITIES

It is essential to understand that assigning the role of homemaking to women does not mean to confine them to homes. They can voluntarily do any social or community work, seek and impart all kinds of knowledge, and can run any business if they want. Taking on the role of men, i.e., earning a livelihood for the family, might put them under stress, which can affect the peace and stability of their family. Keeping them away from the burdens of earning bread for their family is a relief; it is not a restriction. Allah gives women relief from the burdens of earning bread for the family. A woman free of the rigors of work can exclusively devote herself to the family and take care of its members; and a man, free of the burdens of house chores, can give his best to his work and thus can earn better for his family. 

[Most of the women of the present era are now in different professions and have taken on the responsibility of earning a livelihood for their families. The causes and troubles of this social change will be discussed in the next part of this chapter. Considering them here may take us off the present topic.]

Keeping women away from work does not mean discarding or discrediting their talent or barring them from exploring different fields of knowledge. The more they are talented and knowledgeable, the more they can efficiently raise their children, take care of their family, and build a moral society. There are several examples of women volunteering different jobs in the time of Prophet Muhammad [PBUH]. They served to tend the wounded and assisted soldiers in supplying food and water on the battlefields. Nusaybah Bint Ka’ab [also known as Umm Umarah/Umm Umariyyah] was a brave woman warrior who volunteered in several battles with prophet Muhammad [PBUH]. She also served as a protector of prophet Muhammad [PBUH] in the Battle of Uhud. Shifa Bint Abdullah, another prominent name of that time, was among the companions of the Prophet [PBUH]. She was known for her literacy, expertise in medicine, and wisdom in business matters. Prophet Muhammad [PBUH] used to consult her in financial matters. She was among the few who could read and write at that time. Hafsah Bint Umar [RA], wife of prophet Muhammad [PBUH], who was trusted with the safekeeping of the Quran after the passing of the Prophet, was her first student.  Aisha Bint Abu Bakr [RA], another wife of prophet Muhammad [PBUH], was a religious intellectual who used to be consulted by the people on religious matters. The religion of Allah does not restrict women to house chores only; it permits them to do anything unless it affects them, their family, and society negatively.

16.6 UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF HOME

A home is a place of convenience, not confinement. Throughout human history, home has remained a place of ease and comfort. It is a place where one can eat, sleep, relax, and enjoy any activity with full liberty. It is a place of return from all over the world; how come it is a confinement? It is because of the convenience that people of the Internet era prefer working from home, learning from home, shopping from home, and paying utility bills from home. If home was not a place of comfort, no one would run to it after finishing a tiresome [breadwinning] job. Home is thus, not a place where freedom is forbidden. Feeling restricted at home is just a mental state that can be diffused by understanding the reality that it is a place that provides comfort and protection.       

A comfortable and protected home is the best long-lasting environment for a family where parents, with their persistent presence, can fulfill their responsibility of the physical, psychological, and social upbringing of their child quite easily and effectively.

16.7 UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF APPROPRIATE UPBRINGING [GROOMING] OF CHILDREN

Children, in fact, are the continuation of the biological part of their parents [because they are the carriers of the genes of their parents].

Your women are cultivation for you; so, approach your cultivation whenever you like and send ahead for yourselves. …………. (2:223)

Parents thus have a responsibility to take care of their new version and protect it from the harms of the world. If the next generation of parents is morally not better than themselves, it means parents did not struggle to produce the better version of themselves. A responsible parent is always a self-improver who keeps refining his/her attitude and behavior and does not let any bad attribute come up in his/her child [who is the next version of him/her own self].

Today’s child is tomorrow’s parent. One who does not receive proper guidance in childhood might face difficulties in parenthood. Parents having learned from their parents prepare their children for parenthood. If parents in their childhood do not learn appropriate roles from their parents, they cannot pass the right example to their children. Parenting is thus a chain process. If any link goes wrong by showing irresponsibility, it disrupts the number of links in the upcoming generations. The upbringing/grooming of a child is thus not an upbringing/grooming of a single child; it is the upbringing/grooming of numerous generations. Societies where immoralities rise and spread usually reflect [with few exceptions] the flaws of parenting.  

16.8 WHY IS SOCIAL PURITY [MORALITY] SO IMPORTANT?

Social purity [morality] is essential for a healthy mind, body, and society. If there is no ethics or morality, there is no rule, no sympathy, no concern [for others], no care, no justice, no tolerance, and thus no personal and social peace. Disrupted social peace, as already mentioned in Chapter Four, means disturbed mental and biological peace, which causes various mental problems and stress-related physical sicknesses. Social purity [morality] is thus very important for peace in society and healthy survival of humanity [further details in next sections].

16.9 THE INTRODUCTION AND CONTINUATION OF MORALITY IN HUMAN SOCIETIES

As mentioned before, humans are born unaware; they do not know how to achieve purity and peace within themselves and in their societies. Allah initially sent His messengers to different communities at different times to introduce the rules [religion] of personal and social peace and purity to those who were totally unaware; and to those who somehow had forgotten the religion [rules of a peaceful life]. Every messenger in his respective time delivered the same Message of pure and peaceful living [details have already been given in previous chapters]. These messengers lived in their respective communities and explained to people how to live by giving them practical demonstrations. They spent their lives among them and kept strengthening certain beliefs in them and reminding them Who to obey; what to obey; how to obey; why to obey; what to avoid; and how to correct themselves if they make a mistake in obeying the instructions [of the Commanding Authority – Allah]. Messengers also made people aware of the misguiding force [Satan] and ways of dealing with it. Moreover, they taught people self-controlling and self-disciplining techniques. These techniques [like fasting, prayer, and charity] help people to adopt certain attitudes and etiquettes [behaviors] essential for a healthy life. These messengers lived in their respective communities for long enough time to create their legacies. These legacies not only helped people of that time but also helped the upcoming generations.

We sent Our messengers with the clear proofs [of Our presence], and We sent down with them the Book and the Balance, that humanity may uphold [their affairs with peace and] justice ………. (57:25)

As all messengers of Allah were mortal humans, they could not live more than a specific time. The Message of purity and peace [secured in the Divine Books], however, is passing on to generations through responsible parents and reformers. Parents, by learning the Message of Allah from the Book of the Time [details in Chapter Six], not only fix their own mistakes but convey the Message of peace and morality to their children. Similarly, parents, having learned from their parents, pass the legacies of messengers based on the instructions [religion] of Allah to their generations, and thus the process of social purity keeps going on.

All messengers served as role models for their community. By seeing how they behaved in everyday life, people refined their behaviors.  

And We made them [messengers] leaders, guiding by Our command; and We inspired them to do good works, ……………… (21:73)

Those are the ones whom Allah has guided, so from their guidance, take an example……… (6:90)

And obey Allah and the Messenger, that you may obtain mercy [in the form of peace] (3:132).

There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern …………… (33:21)

The Prophet is more worthy of the believers than themselves, and his wives are [in the position of] their mothers (33:6).

16.10 IMPORTANCE OF ROLE MODELS 

A role model is a person whose behavior is copied by the learner. A home provides the best environment for a child where he/she learns several things with practical demonstration from his/her role model. Parents [or those who bring them up] are the first role models for their children. By observing and listening to them, they learn different behaviors. One of the best parts of role modeling is that it sometimes does not require any verbal or formal communication; it just works silently. There are several behaviors that do not require direct verbal instructions all the time; they are just displayed [with practical demonstration] and are [intentionally or unintentionally] copied by the observer. Boys, thus, learn from their fathers how to behave as men; and girls learn from their mothers how to behave as women. Such learnings help them learn how to carry themselves in larger social groups of society. Moreover, such learning also helps them when they become parents at a later stage.

16.11 NEGATIVE ROLE MODELS

As mentioned in the previous section, the main guiding source for parents is religion. Having learned from religion, they guide their children about different affairs of life. Those parents who completely or partially deny religion, or do not take it seriously [or do not pay full attention to it], cannot understand their responsibilities. They cannot develop those characteristics in themselves that are required to prepare their children for building a moral or civilized society. They either remain absent from their children’s lives or do not practically guide them on essential matters of life. They are the people who neither learn [from religion] nor teach their children the manners of peaceful living. Such people exist in every era and in every society.

No fresh reminder [Book] comes to them from their Rubb, but they listen to it playfully (21:2).

………. We have given them their message, but they keep avoiding their message (23:71).

As these people do not learn from religion, they cannot develop their personalities that are appropriate to learn attitudes and behaviors of a peaceful living [details of how positive personality develops have already been given in Chapter Six. Whereas details about how positive attitudes and behaviors develop are coming up in the next sections]. They, thus, learn everything that is harming to their personal and social peace [details of harming attitudes and behaviors are coming up in next sections]. When they become role models for their children, they set bad examples for them. Their children learn every wrong thing from them; and find it hard to unlearn [at later stages] that had been fixed in their tender minds when they were young.

And when it is said to them, “Follow what Allah has revealed,” they say, “Rather, we will follow that which we found our fathers doing.” Even though their fathers understood nothing, nor were they guided? (2: 170)

Negative role models usually set bad examples however, in some cases, their children learn good lessons from their bad examples – they learn what not to become; and what not to do. Sometimes good is not understood until bad is experienced. This is the reason Allah places people with negative personalities, attitudes, and behaviors in every family and in every community.

………. And We have made some of you [people] as trials for others…. (25:20)

16.12 IMPORTANCE OF BELIEVING AND RESPONSIBLE PARENTS

Though a child can learn what not to become or not to do by seeing the bad examples, he/she cannot learn on his/her own what to do to become a desired [or positive] person. There are several things a child needs to have awareness of so that he/she can develop a personality that is suitable to learn attitudes and behaviors essential for a positive lifestyle.

Children who lack a responsible role model or a guide in their environment have lives full of mistakes, regrets, and hard times. A responsible and believing guide [parent] is, therefore, always needed in a child’s life who [having taken guidance from religion] can direct that child to a calm and contented life.

And those who, when reminded of the verses of their Rubb, do not fall upon them deaf and blind. And those who say, “Our Rubb, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” (25:73-74)

Before understanding how believing and responsible parents help in the development of a positive personality and shaping positive behavior of their children, it is important to know how behavior develops in the absence of a guide [who is usually a parent] and guidance [that is taken from religion]. Such awareness helps in understanding why believing and responsible parents are important for one’s life and what happens when parents do not play their role with full responsibility.  

16.13 HOW BEHAVIORS DEVELOP IN THE ABSENCE OF A GUIDE AND GUIDANCE

To discover how different attitudes and behaviors develop in the absence of a guide and guidance, it is essential to understand the key factors/influencers that play their role in the development of different behaviors.

       (a) Role of fear in the development of behavior:

The Science of Behavior Development explains that the fear of the loss of life plays the dominating role in the development of various behaviors in all biological lives – they adopt diverse behaviors to adapt with [or adjust to] their environment – these are all struggles for survival.

Fear [of loss of life] in humans shows up as an emotion that is regulated by the hormone called adrenaline. When the body senses threat in the environment, the release of adrenaline brings physiological and behavioral changes in it [the body] and prepares it to fight or flight. This means that in the time of threat, the body gets into the mode of aggression or regression. Aggression [or anger] helps during the fight [for life], and regression, which is also a kind of fear, helps in flight [to save life]. Both aggression and regression are natural defenses against threats to life. This can be explained with the example of a scuffle: when someone is attacked, anger helps him to retaliate and fight [the rush of adrenaline helps his body to react quickly to a threat. It energizes his body by supplying more blood and sugar to his brain and muscles]; and when he leans back or sideways to miss out the attack, regression, or fear [of getting injured] helps him reflexively to avoid a hit. If any of them [anger and fear] is missing, one might lose his life or receive a fatal injury. As both are needed in emergencies, they therefore do not need any learning – they are naturally present in all humans.  

Though fear and force [anger] are important for emergencies and survival, they, however, may take various destructive forms if not controlled. Having control over both emotions is essential for peace in social life [and civilization] because it is not that every situation is threatening, and it should be dealt with fear and anger. 

Here it must be noted that the onset of both fear and anger is natural/instinctive but having control over them needs guidance and learning. However, there is nothing in the physical environment that can teach humans how to have control over their emotions and refine their behaviors. It is only religion that, in the course of human evolution, has taught people how to be humble and polite while having control over their emotions.

Both anger and fear can take multiple and complex forms and are expressed in a variety of behaviors in different situations. Some of these expressions are primitive, and some are modified. The most common primitive forms of expressing anger are physical confrontation and being loud. These expressions may help in real threats, but they become a problem for social peace if the threat is not assessed or judged/evaluated correctly. Moreover, physical confrontation, and being loud may turn into violence/hostility and verbal abuse or humiliation, if not guided properly.

Similarly, the fear [of loss of life] may become a mental problem when tackled incorrectly. Fear generates various insecurities. In the absence of guidance, there might be a chance that people start relying on some unnecessary or unrelated things.

Reliance on things other than Allah develops more fears that increase more insecurities. It has already been described in Chapters Six and Chapter Twelve, that all fears except the fear of Allah generate other problems. It is only fear of Allah and reliance upon Him that keeps a person guided, hopeful, fearless [of other things], and contented.

Allah has said: “Do not take two [or more] gods; He is only One Allah; so fear only Me.” To Him belongs everything in the heavens and the earth; and to Him obedience is due always. Do you fear anyone other than Allah? (16:51-52)

………….do not fear the people, but fear Me…… (5:44)

Submission to a Single/Sole Power, as mentioned in Chapter Six and Twelve, is beneficial for mental health – It relieves humans from the stress of unnecessary fears such as whom to obey, rely on, and give priority to.

……………Worship Allah and fear Him. That is the best for you, if you should know (29:16).

Unnecessary reliance on different worldly things also becomes a social problem, especially when guidance is not available. People start assuming that these things are essential for their lives; and will save them in times of crisis. They thus start piling them up and avoid sharing them with others lest they run out. Such thinking makes them greedy, selfish, and misers.  

…. “If you possessed the treasuries of my Rubb’s mercy, you would have held them for fear of spending.” The human being has always been stingy (17:100).

Humans are socially dependent on each other because no one holds entire resources, knowledge, or skills – they need to share and cooperate for their mutual survival. If they are greedy, selfish, and misers, they cannot maintain their peaceful survival.

Fear Allah as much as you are able and listen and obey [His commands] and spend [in the way of Allah]; it is better for yourselves. And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his soul – it is those who will be the successful (64:16).

False assessment of things or reliance on false objects [things or people] give rise to many other fears, like fear of the loss of the favor of others in the fulfillment of various needs. The unguided person deals this kind of fear with lies, flattery, deception, and hypocrisy. 

And they swear by Allah that they are from among you while they are not from among you; but they are people who are afraid (9:56).

Those who are liars, fraudulent, and hypocrites assume others are the same. Suspicion makes it difficult for them to have close relationships with others. They mistrust people for no reason and thus lose various chances of getting the best in their lives.

Fear of loss [of life, trust, success, importance, or anything] makes people accusers, especially if something happens by their own mistakes. They find it relieving by denying their involvement in such mistakes and putting the blame on others.

…………. When a good fortune comes their way, they say, “This is from Allah.” But when a misfortune befalls them, they say, “This is from you.” Say, “All is from Allah.” So what is the matter with these people, that they hardly understand a thing? Whatever good happens to you is from Allah, and whatever bad happens to you is from your own self…………. (4: 78-79)

Fear of loss makes people offensive [aggressive, violent, offended]. Those who are guided [by the religion of Allah] believe that whatever happens to them is from Allah. Such thinking develops patience and tolerance. However, those who do not rely on Allah get depressed or violent if anything goes against their desires.

And among them are some who criticize you concerning the [distribution of] charities. If they are given from them, they approve; but if they are not given from them, at once they become angry. If only they had been satisfied with what Allah and His Messenger gave them and said, “Sufficient for us is Allah; Allah will give us of His bounty, and so will His Messenger; indeed, we are desirous towards Allah,” [it would have been better for them] (9:58-59).

A sense of existence is associated with a sense of importance. One who exists, considers oneself important, and gives priority to oneself over every other person and desires that others should also give him/her the same priority. Fear of the loss of importance generates the feeling of insecurity, which causes anxiety in people because they assume that losing importance means losing their ego or psychological existence. They thus cover up their insecurities in different ways that manifest in the form of unreasonable hatreds, jealousies, mockeries, sarcasm, humiliation, criticism, harassment, rejections, neutralizations, and prejudices. These are all psychological fights for psychological survival.

By rejecting [the opinion, suggestion, or advice of] others, degrading them, humorizing them, and highlighting any weakness of theirs, people create psychological defense for themselves. It gives them relief/satisfaction, or a sense of victory and delight. Moreover, by highlighting the weaknesses of others, they divert the attention of people from their own flaws, which gives them a feeling of [pseudo] security.

Fear of loss of importance also makes people boastful. With the show of wealth, power, knowledge, and technology, they try to impress others to get the feeling of victory, importance, and pride [that they have what others have not]. Boasting [through different things] helps them hide or cover up their weaknesses/insecurities. Possession of what others have not [like wealth, power, beauty, progeny, knowledge, technology, etc.] generally makes people arrogant. They develop the misconception that whatever they have is ultimate. Such thinking becomes more intense if guidance is not available.

And when he is told, “Beware of Allah,” his pride leads him to more sin………. (2:206)

Religion, therefore, provides guidance so that people should refrain themselves from being arrogant or boastful.

……..Allah does not like those who are self-deluding and boastful (4:36).

…..who spend their money to be seen by people…. (4:38)

Boastful behavior develops not only in those who have something extra to show, but it also develops in those who have nothing to show. They boast to avoid the embarrassment of having nothing special such as intellect, skill, wealth, beauty, power, etc.

Fear of the loss of importance sometimes makes people attention seekers. Such people keep creating pseudo problems in every affair of their life [whether it is sitting, sleeping, eating, dressing up, going somewhere, or anything else]. They create problems by showing discomfort or by any other means so that they can seek the attention [or sympathy] of others on every occasion and moment of their life.

To seek the attention of others and avail different opportunities for worldly gains, many people mask themselves with politeness and other pleasant forms of expression. But when it comes to appreciating the accomplishments or possessions of others, they become jealous and seek pleasure in destroying the possessions of others.

…when you see them, their form pleases you, and if they speak, you listen to their speech……… (63:4)

If good touches you, it distresses them; but if harm strikes you, they rejoice at it…….. (3:120)

Among the people is he whose speech about the worldly life impresses you, and he calls Allah to witness what is in his heart, while he is the most hostile of adversaries. When he gains power, he strives to spread corruption on earth, destroying properties and lives…… (2:204-205)

Fear of the outcome prevents people from taking responsibility. People with such fears avoid establishing any relationship [like marriage] that demands responsibilities. They instead look for shortcuts [like relationships without marriage] and backdoors for easy escape.

Fear of the outcome also makes people provocative. Through provocation, they try to bring others to their level to show the world that others are equally responsible for the loss or chaos, and they cannot be solely blamed. They, thus, use provocation as a tool for their defense.

Provocation is deadly because it makes others angry. Anger, as mentioned before, is a natural response to some situations. Though those who have sufficient control over their anger also lose their temper if their peace is shaken by lies, fraud, violence, and injustice. Provocation thus drags into fights even those who otherwise want to stay peaceful.  

Fear of the loss of importance makes people intolerant and aggressive – they take every idea, opinion, suggestion, or advice as a threat to or defeat of their ego. When someone gives them advice, they get offended; and when they are in authority, they do not let others express themselves]; they find faults [in them], ridicule, and criticize them. So that no one could speak up against them. Such behaviors give them a feeling of victory and delight.

………….. they think that every shout is against them………. (63:4)

Delight gives relief from the stress of fear. When people find some behavior relieving [their stress], they try to repeat it again and again in multiple situations. This is how some behaviors get strengthened and become habits.

        (b)Role of delight in the development of behavior:

To understand the role of delight in the development of behavior, we need to know the science and psychology of delight.

Feeling of pleasure [or delight], as we have seen in the above section, is associated with fear – one who comes out of fear [or assumes oneself out of fear] feels delighted.

A sense of security, like the sense of fear, brings physiological and behavioral changes in the body. It sends signals to the brain, and the brain, in return, releases the chemical/neurotransmitter called dopamine that generates the feeling of delight.

Delight or feeling of happiness is the biggest attraction of life. The excess of happiness, however, is not good for a healthy life. More happiness means more dopamine. A healthy body does not need an excessive amount of dopamine; it requires a balanced amount – neither too much nor too little. Too much happiness and too little worry cause demotivation. No fears and no worries mean no challenges and no excitement, and thus no motivation. Those who always live in luxury [and feel secure and happy] make no struggle in life. Challenges and fears develop tolerance to face and deal with resistance. Those who do not come across any challenge or fear have a low ability to tolerate hardships. They either give up [or break down] too early or become aggressive to get quick results/relief or escape from the unwanted situation.

Similarly, a low level of dopamine is also not good for normal life. It causes sadness, apathy, and disinterest in life.

A balanced amount of dopamine [in the brain] is essential for different physiological functions like maintaining blood pressure, kidney functions, digestion, supporting insulin production in the pancreas, and maintaining the immune system. If its balance is disturbed, it causes disturbance in all the above-mentioned functions of the body. Those who always keep seeking pleasure in one or the other form, and those who always remain dejected/unhappy with what they have in life have greater chances of developing problems in the abovementioned body functions. It is actually the cost they pay for running after the pleasures or being ungrateful for the blessings of life.

……. they do not destroy except themselves, but they perceive [it] not (6:26).

Allah does not wrong the people in the least, but the people wrong their own selves (10:44).

And when your Rubb proclaimed, “If you give thanks, I will grant you an increase [in favors]; but if you are ungrateful, My punishment is severe.” (14:7) 

A balanced amount of dopamine [pleasure] helps in different brain activities like memory, motivation, focus, and learning.  It also helps in the stability of mood, which is essential for healthy social behaviors [or relationships]. Too much or too low levels of dopamine are thus not only harmful for psychological or physical health but also for social life.      

Just as delight gets attached to behaviors that bring people out of real or psychological fears, it also gets attached to [the possession of] objects [or worldly things] that people assume as their saviors. Such assumptions lead them to many superstitions, such as that doing something or keeping something brings them good fortune and happiness.

The presence of some guide in one’s life is therefore very important. Otherwise, the pursuit of delight keeps people running after worldly things. They feel delighted by having possession of different things. Such delight does not let them think [or understand] that what they desire or possess is actually their need or not.

        (c) Role of needs and desires in the development of behavior

Humans, as mentioned at the beginning of the chapter, are born helpless. They need various things to survive. They, for example, need food, water, and shelter to sustain and protect their physical existence [bodies]. To get food and water and build shelter, they need tools. To secure their food, shelter, and themselves from natural conditions and invasions, they need more tools. To secure their biological part [genes/ genetic code], they need a mate to generate their offspring who can continue their [biological] existence even after their death [more details in Chapter Fifteen].

All those things that can fulfill human needs are made attractive to get the attention of humans. In other words, to get an appropriate match for what they need, humans are naturally inclined towards various things. These inclinations are essential for their survival because they help them find the right thing to fulfill their different needs. Inclination towards food, for example, helps them to fulfill their dietary needs. Inclinations towards different materials help them to make shelter and find coverings for their bodies to protect them from the harshness and harms of different weather conditions; similarly, inclination towards the opposite gender helps them to continue their biological existence.  Such inclination is, therefore, essential; if it is not there, one cannot understand how to fulfill his/her needs appropriately [or what is truly needed to fulfill the requirements of his/her survival].

The interesting part of the physical world is that despite having attractive qualities, it can only be effective when someone is inclined towards it. If a person does not show interest in a thing, it cannot excite his/her brain. It is thus not a thing but the inclination [interest] of a person that triggers the release of dopamine in the brain and gives him or her the feeling of pleasure. This is the reason that the same thing gives pleasure to some but not to others. Interestingly, the release of dopamine can be controlled by setting the threshold of pleasure for oneself. By lowering the level of satisfaction, one can achieve the same results that others achieve at a higher level. It is because of this that some feel satisfied with less and some do not feel satisfied with more – some feel happy in mud houses while others do not even in the luxury houses.

The understanding of the true need is very important; otherwise, greed becomes a need. Our environment is full of a variety of things. Those who do not receive guidance [to have control over their desires] from the very beginning of their life get fascinated by the glamour of everything they come across in their life.

……….. do not follow desire, as it will lead you astray from the way of Allah……… (38:26)

Once people are trapped by the desire or greed, it becomes very difficult for them to get out of it. The race for more exhausts them physically and mentally, but it leads them nowhere.

Leave Me to him whom I created alone. And gave him vast wealth. And children as witnesses. And smoothed things for him. Then he wants Me to add yet more! By no means! He was stubborn towards Our revelations. I will exhaust him increasingly (74:11-17).

Although desire is important for motivating people to progress, it can lead to destruction if it is not controlled. It puts them under the stress of competition and keeps raising the level of greed.

…… And who is more astray than one who follows his desire without guidance from Allah…. (28:50)

It is only religion that tells humans that the desire for the material world is toxic for normal life [because it takes over the ability to think logically].

Have you seen he who has taken as his god his [own] desire, and Allah has sent him astray due to knowledge and set a seal upon his hearing and his heart and put over his vision a veil? So, who will guide him after Allah?………… (45:23)

Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children – like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris…….. (57:20)

…………. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion (57:20).

Desire for more [or greed] makes people wasteful. It compels them to run after the materials of the world. In Chapter Four, it has already been mentioned how greed eats up natural resources, and how it entices people to discard millions of tons of products, even in working condition, to get the latest models, versions, or designs. As a result, the overproduction of things adds pollution and causes damage to the environment by contaminating waters, spoiling land, polluting air, and causing damage to the ozone.

………and do not waste. He [Allah] does not love the wasteful (6:141).

And cause not corruption upon the earth after its reformation*………… (7:56) [Studies reveal that the earth took billions of years to become a livable place for humans.]*

Greed thus not only makes people wasteful, but it also makes their lives miserable because a polluted and damaged environment gives them and their generations numbers of physical and mental illnesses [details have already been given in Chapter Four].

………… if the truth [or reality] conformed to their desires, the heavens, the earth, and everyone in them would have gone to ruin…………. (23:71)

Desires can be controlled when a person is made to believe from childhood that running after desires is a disaster. They are only parents who, from the very beginning [by constant guidance], do not let greed become a need of their children. In the absence of such guidance, a child cannot differentiate between need and greed; he treats his greed as his need. Moreover, he cannot understand how ruinous desires are, and how important it is to curb them with self-control.

And do not confer favor to acquire more, but for your Rubb, be patient (74:6-7).

Greed makes people selfish, unjust, impatient, and neglectful of the needs, well-being, and emotions of others. Greedy people do not care about justice – they always want a bigger and better share for themselves; they neither take care of the needs of others nor understand their emotions. Simply, they have no sympathy for others. Their only concern is to seek more and more pleasure through worldly things and enjoy their own life. In short, the absence of guidance about the fulfillment of needs makes people impulsive – they do what their desires make them do.

Have you seen the one who takes as his god his own desire?……… (25:43)

When their metaphoric gods and idols [on which they rely] do not help them in times of crisis, they find escape in other things that can give them instant relief or pleasure so that they can avoid pain, anxiety, or depression associated with the crisis. They thus seek refuge or pleasure in various immoral and useless activities. These things give them temporary relief from different [insecurities or] worries of life but increase problems in the long run.

As desire or greed has no end, those who run after them cannot find satisfaction, peace, and happiness. They instead fill their lives with anxiety, stress, and depression when their desired goals are not achieved.

Desires make people envious – they quickly get impressed by the possessions of others and want to have what others have.

And he [Quaroon] went out before his people in his splendor. Those who desired the worldly life said, “If only we possessed the likes of what Quaroon was given. He is indeed very fortunate.” But those who were given knowledge said, “Woe to you! The reward of Allah is better for those who believe and do righteous deeds.”…….. (28:79-80)

Quaroon belonged to the clan of Moses, but he oppressed them. We had given him treasures, the keys of which would weigh down a group of strong men………… (28:76)

Do not be impressed by the disbelievers’ movement in the land…… (3:196)

……………Your Rubb’s provision is better and more lasting (20:131).

And do not wish for that by which Allah has made some of you exceed others……… (4:32)

In the absence of guidance, desires take over logic and reasoning, and people become victims of falsehood [false ideas, false beliefs, false analysis, false decisions, false hope]. Falsehood becomes so fascinating to them that they start to hate the truth. They thus get offended when advised or shown reality.

………… most of them hate the truth (23:70).

As they cannot differentiate between true needs and desires, they waste their energy by running after useless and false objectives. Most of their desires are based on showoffs and false hopes.

Do you build a monument on every height for vanity’s sake? And you set up fortresses, hoping to live forever? (26:128-129)

…………the life of this world is merely enjoyment of delusion (3:185).

Every desire contains false hope and fake pleasure. After a very long pursuit, people realize that the hope was false, and the pleasure was either short-lived or not real. This is the reason unguided people, despite having an abundance of things [luxuries], do not find true pleasure or contentment in their lives, and their pursuit of worldly things never ends.

Abundance distracts you. Until you visit [reach] the graveyards (102:1-2).

Desires are basically evoked by thoughts. There is nothing on earth except religion that teaches people to evade or fight with intrusive thoughts [and have control over their desires]. In the absence of a guide [who is usually a parent] and guidance [that is taken from religion], a person cannot learn that listening to every inside whisper and running after every desire is wrong.

    (d) Role of intrusive, deviating, or deflecting thoughts in the development of behavior

Humans have always been guided [by the messengers, reformers, and parents] to follow the right path, but deviating thoughts [like, “This is ridiculous, rubbish, outdated, or untrue”] always misguide and insist them to disbelieve. Everyone is familiar with the inner whisper that stays [all along] with them all the time. Those who have no knowledge of what that intrusive or deviating whisper [Satan] is, consider it just a thought. They cannot estimate the gravity of the damage it causes to humans.

…. whoever has Satan as a companion – what an evil companion (4:38).

It is the inner whisper that invites people to immorality by saying that there is no harm in doing so, or you are not the only one who is doing it, or just do it one more time, etc. It is the inner whisper that stirs up emotions and provokes people to argue, abuse, fight, and shed blood of each other. The list of the ways it deviates people from the right course and spoils their peace is infinite. Understanding how to deal with it [Satan] needs guidance. Those who neither listen to guides/parents nor take guidance from religion and continue to listen to Satan and follow what it suggests them make their life miserable with their own hands. [Explanation of Satan in terms of science in upcoming chapters].

………. the devils inspire their followers to argue with you ………. (6:121)

Those who do not believe [in the religion of Allah] but listen to deviating whispers, take religion as a joke.

………. Those who disbelieve argue with false argument, in order to defeat the truth thereby. They take My verses, and the warnings, for joke (18:56).

They keep [preventing] others from it [religion/guidance], and avoid it themselves; but they ruin only their own souls, and they do not realize (6:26).

    (e) Role of humor in the development of behavior

Laughter excites our brain to release a hormone called endorphin that brings happy feelings. Anything that brings laughter [and happy feelings] is accepted quite easily and quickly. Humor causes laughter. Laughter is considered a therapy that gives relief from various worries of life and heals different psychological wounds. However, it becomes trouble if it shoots from obscenity or humiliation. Jokes and humor that contain vulgarities and disgrace [or show them in such a way that generates laughter] create acceptance for all such things. If individuals are not guided on such matters, immoralities and humiliation creep into society silently and unnoticeably, and the time comes when people start seeing vulgarities and humiliation as normal or entertaining part of their lives. Vulgarities and humiliation give entertainment for a while, but in the long run they ruin societies and leave behind nothing but regrets.

Let them laugh a little, and weep much as recompense for what they used to earn (9:82).

    (f) Role of [the feeling of] guilt or regret in the development of behavior:

Feeling of guilt or regret is a natural check against wrongdoings. Babies as young as a few months old can feel guilt; they express it through their gestures and try their best [in their capacity] to improve the situation that they believe is a cause of their mistake [they would kiss or hug to normalize relationships even when someone pretends to be hurt by some actions of theirs].

Realization of mistakes [or feeling of guilt/shame] is important for the development of healthy behaviors. Guilt basically generates fear of disapproval. It motivates a person to rectify oneself – no guilt means no realization of mistakes and no motivation for rectification/mending behaviors or correction of mistakes. The basic realization of mistakes or feeling of guilt is naturally present in all humans, but it requires constant reinforcement in the form of checks and reminders. One who is not prevented or checked for his/her mistakes or wrong behavior or not reminded of his/her mistakes gets the encouragement to repeat it and with a number of such repetitions, the behavior that once used to produce guilt stop producing such feelings any longer, and the person sees nothing wrong in his/her behavior – he/she takes it quite normal. Once a person stops feeling remorse or guilt for mistakes, he/she loses the ability to differentiate between right and wrong – he/she thus finds no problem in lying, cheating, abusing, manipulation, stealing, or any immoral activity. Children raised in irresponsible families and societies develop such behaviors because they are never discouraged for showing misconduct [or wrongdoing] from the very beginning of their lives. Negative behaviors that they develop in their childhood become strong habits by the time they reach adulthood.

…………. desire not corruption in the land. Allah does not like corruptors (28:77).

People who feel no guilt at all rarely honor their words, promises, contracts, agreements, or duties. They see nothing wrong in breaking laws, rules, and norms. They instead seek pleasure in destroying the possessions of others. They lack empathy and do not care or respect relations. They, therefore, hardly make any emotional bonding or develop sincere relationships with others.

……… they respect neither kinship nor treaty (9:10).

………. they say with their tongues what in not within their hearts………. (48:11)

…. they say what they do not do (26:226).

Though [the presence of the feeling of] guilt is important for the realization of mistakes, it creates problems when there is no guidance available for coming out of such feelings. Those who consciously or subconsciously realize their mistakes but do not know how to manage their guilt or correct their mistakes develop anxiety and psychosomatic disorders like constant headaches, fatigue, digestive problems, upset stomachs, insomnia, restlessness, high blood pressure, etc. All such conditions usually lack medical explanation but make their lives troublesome. When their guilt gets worse, they either involve themselves in drugs, alcohol, immoral, and useless activities or go into depression that eventually leads them to self-humiliation and self-destruction.

As they lack guidance, they do not know that seeking repentance or asking forgiveness from Allah has healing qualities.

And seek forgiveness of Allah. Indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful (4:106).

And whoever does a wrong or wrongs himself but then seeks forgiveness of Allah will find Allah Forgiving and Merciful (4:110).

…those who when they commit an immorality or wrong themselves, remember Allah and seek forgiveness for their sins – and who can forgive sins except Allah? – and [who] do not persist in what they have done while they know (3:135).

…whoever repents after his wrongdoing and reforms; indeed, Allah will turn to him in forgiveness. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful (5:39).

………whoever believes and reforms – there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve (6:48).

     (g) Role of social influence in the development of behavior

People change, adopt, or adjust their thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and behaviors to fit themselves in their social circle. Such adjustments give them a sense of group belongingness and security. They thus do what others [especially if they are in majority] do to gain their approval or ingroup feelings.  

Humans are social creatures; they are socially inclined to do what others do and want to have what others have. However, it is not necessary that what others [even if they are in majority] are doing [or having] is right. This is the reason guidance is always needed for making better choices and decisions.

And do not incline toward those who do wrong, lest you be touched by the Fire, and you would not have other than Allah any protectors; then you would not be helped (11:113).

And if you obey most of those upon the earth, they will mislead you from the way of Allah. They follow not except assumption, and they are not but falsifying (6:116).

………. And indeed, do many lead [others] astray through their [own] inclinations without knowledge…… (6:119)

………. And you see many of them hastening into sin and aggression and devouring of [what is] unlawful……… (5:62)

…………most of them are ignorant (6:111).

…………. most of them do not know (6:37).

…………. most of them do not reason (5:103).

………. most of them hate the truth (23:70).

They pass on what is heard, and most of them are liars (26:223).

……….. Allah is full of bounty to the people, but most of them do not show gratitude (2:243).

They recognize the favor of Allah; then they deny it. And most of them are disbelievers (16:83).

………. most of them are defiantly disobedient (9:8).

………. most of them turn away, so they do not hear (41:4).

And most of them believe not in Allah except while they associate others with Him (12:106).

The presence of some guide in one’s life is therefore very important, who can prevent them from doing what is wrong.

…….. do not obey from among them a sinner or ungrateful [disbeliever] (76:24).

.. do not obey any vile swearer, back biter, spreader of slander, preventer of good, transgressor, sinner, rude and fake besides. Just because he has money and children. When Our verses are recited to him, he says, “Myths of the ancients!” (68:10-15).

……let not their wealth or their children impress you………. (9:55)

…do you think that most of them hear or reason? They are not except like livestock. Rather, they are [even] more astray in [their] way (25:44).

… “The bad and the good are not equal, even though the abundance of the bad may impress you. So be conscious of Allah, O you who possess intelligence that you may succeed” (5:100)

……do not follow the desires of those who deny Our verses and those who do not believe in the *Hereafter………… (6:150) *[Belief in the Hereafter makes people cautious of their deeds. Details have already been given in Chapter Six.]

…… they love the fleeting life and leave behind a Heavy Day [of accountability] (76:27). 

The fear of the accountability of every action does not let people go astray. Those who avoid guidance from religion adopt every harmful trend without thinking about its consequences.

………… We will progressively lead them [to punishment] from where they do not know (68:44).

Some trends superficially seem very attractive, but in reality, they are disastrous.

We grant them enjoyment for a little; then We will force them to a massive punishment (31:24).

If there is no [guide or] guidance, people cannot distinguish between right and wrong – they simply do what others do. This is how wrong trends become the culture of a society.

     (h) Role of culture and economic conditions in the development of behavior

Humans cannot live in isolation; they need to interact with each other for multiple reasons. During this interaction, they learn and unlearn many behaviors. Any belief or behavior – good or bad – influences the observer in one way or another. This is the reason:

Allah does not like the public mention of evil except by one who has been wronged ………… (4:148)

You never know who picks what from you, so:

…………. speak nicely to people ………. (2:83)

………and do not forget your share of the world. And do good as Allah has done good to you. And desire not corruption in the land…………… (28:77)

…abandon sin, outward and inward*………. (6:120), because what is within you will show up in your behavior*.

Any belief or behavior that is adopted by the most people/majority of a group or society and persists in it for years becomes its culture. Culture is thus a common or popular trend of a certain group, community, or society towards different beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors [or habits]. These beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors constitute the manners, moralities, customs, traditions, laws, rules, systems, values, ethics, arts, and aesthetics, of that [group, community, or] society. Culture covers every aspect of life and influences the way people think, speak, eat, dress up, get together, seek knowledge, develop literature, and generate different means of entertainment. It, thus, affects how people develop relations [with each other], make decisions, solve problems, do justice, and spend their leisure time.

Many good or right [positive and helping] and bad or wrong [negative and damaging] beliefs and behaviors transfuse in societies by means of culture. The best part of culture is that individuals who somehow do not get a chance to seek [direct] guidance also adopt some [or many] good qualities or attributes if good [or guiding] culture prevails in their society. Similarly, the worst part of culture is that those who are guided on some matters [or want to seek guidance] but do not have enough knowledge or awareness of some realities also adopt some [or many] bad or negative behaviors if bad or misguiding culture prevails in their society.

As mentioned in the above sections, all those behaviors that are required for making peace [and prosperity] in society are learned from religion. Otherwise, there is nothing on earth that can teach people honesty, justice, truthfulness, equality, kindness, politeness, humility, sympathy, mercy, sociability, care, compassion, cooperation, respect, austerity, gratitude, modesty, forgiveness, tolerance, patience, and compromise. Families where parents neither take religion seriously nor teach their children these essential elements of life cannot produce peacemakers for their society.

Individuals from such [irresponsible] families let infiltrate, happen, or accommodate everything in their culture. They follow every enticing trend without caring about its consequences in the long run. Whatever is adopted by the majority [no matter how wrong it is] becomes the new [or popular] culture of their society over time. This is how greed becomes need; filth becomes fashion; obscenity becomes art; fraud becomes knack; lies and humiliation become humor; and violence becomes thrill and entertainment. All these things look appealing or harmless for a short while, but in the long run they devastate societies. History shows that societies deprived of morals and ethics can neither maintain peace nor survive for a long time.

And how many a city did We destroy while it was committing wrong – so it is [now] fallen into ruin – and [how many] an abandoned well and [how many] a lofty palace (22:45).

………Allah did not wrong them, but they wronged their own selves (3:117).

………Satan had made pleasing to them their deeds and averted them from the path……. (29:38)

Humans, by nature, are inclined towards wrongdoing. They, therefore, constantly need guidance about what to adopt [for a peaceful life] and what to avoid [that is harmful to their survival].  

……. Indeed, the soul is a persistent enjoiner of evil, except those upon which my Rubb has mercy [and made them prophets or messengers] ……… (12:53)

To seek physical, mental, and social peace, humans need to purify [or refine] themselves.

Successful is he who purifies himself (87:14).

The process of purification does not start on its own; it needs guidance at each step of life [that what should be adopted and what should be avoided]. In this respect, responsible parents play a very important role. They refine the behavior of their children by preventing them from doing what is wrong and teaching them morals and ethics. These refined individuals from different families make a civilized society.

If the behaviors of children are not refined in their homes, they, after growing up, make a corrupt society where they have nothing to present as an example except negative behaviors. By observing them, others get encouragement to do the same. This is how corrupt culture develops and affects whole society.

Families where wrong behaviors are ignored or not discouraged ultimately develop a damaging social environment for their own children and for themselves.

……if you do good, you do good for yourselves; and if you do evil, [you do it] to yourselves…. (17:7)

Allah does not wrong the people in the least, but the people wrong their own selves (10:44).

Whoever acts righteously does so for himself; and whoever works evil does so against himself. Your Rubb is not unjust to the servants (41:46).

When corruption, greed, and immoralities become the culture of a society, it disrupts the fair distribution of wealth and resources. It divides the community into two classes: one that is prosperous and holds control over all resources and the second that is suppressed and deprived of [or has the least access to] all privileges.

When one class in a society is greedy and the other needy, it gives rise to an unfair economic system, such as usury. Usury [or overcharging of loans] is the worst economic system. It facilitates an already privileged class and increases the distresses of an already troubled class. Religion, therefore, completely prohibits usury [guidelines about the prevention of usury have already been given in Chapter Fourteen].

When people are deprived of their basic needs, it generates frustration, intolerance, hatred, violence, and crime in their society. In the absence of guidance, the prosperous become greedy [who care about nothing except seeking pleasure] and the needy become dishonest [to fulfill their needs somehow or another] – the prosperous thus cannot find an honest worker or helper to boost their business, and the needy cannot find a caretaking patron who understands their needs. A culture of greed and dishonesty thus brings instability to economic conditions and increases economic hardships for both classes.

Economic instability and economic hardships generate stress in individuals that negatively affect not only their mental health but also physical and social health [details of how stress affects mental, physical, and social health have already been mentioned in Chapter Four].

Economic stability is very important for mental and social peace. No society can achieve stability in its economy unless it trains its individuals to be fair and honest in their dealings and to be caring for each other [for not burdening them with an extra burden as that of usury]. It is only religion that has taught humanity to care about each other and be fair and honest in their dealings [details of the rules of religion about fair dealings in trade and transactions have already been given in Chapter Fourteen]. Families where parents do not seek guidance from religion can neither learn nor teach their children that their prosperity is linked with the prosperity of others. Children from such families, when they become active members of their society, neither care about others nor show any fairness or honesty in their trade and transactions.

The culture of understanding, care, and cooperation [or welfare] is very important for the healthy survival of humanity. Unlike other social activities that become a trend simply by copying each other’s behavior, a culture of care and cooperation can only develop when individuals of a society understand the needs and emotions of others; they have proper knowledge of what to do with that surplus of their needs; and they are properly trained to control or sacrifice their desires for the benefits of others. All these understandings, knowledge, and control do not come [or develop] without guidance. It is only guidance from the religion that can transform egoistic individuals into altruistic people. It can convince people to ignore, curb, or sacrifice their desires for the benefit of others and spend what is more than their need on others. And above all, it can keep people motivated to continue their altruistic behaviors throughout their lives.

Families where religion is not taken seriously cannot produce individuals who can understand the needs and emotions of others. They cannot educate their children what to do with that is surplus of their needs. Lack of guidance about these issues makes them self-centered and wasteful. They thus fail to develop the culture of care and cooperation in their societies.

Religion introduces the concept of charity to humanity. Charity is the best mechanism of the distribution of wealth, which ensures that wealth:

……….. may not circulate solely between the wealthy……… (59:7)

It is the only religion that convinces people to share their wealth with the needy and not spend it wastefully.

Those of you who have affluence and means should not refuse to give to the relatives, and the needy, and the emigrants for the sake of Allah……….  (24:22)

And give the relative his right, and [also] the poor and the traveler, and do not spend wastefully (17:26).

Circulation of wealth is very important for a healthy social life. Religion, therefore, encourages people to spend, share, and cooperate even in the hardest of their times. It appreciates:

Those who give in prosperity and adversity …………… (3:134)

The culture of understanding, care, and cooperation helps in the distribution of wealth and resources to all members of society and boosts economic conditions [of that society]. Healthy economic conditions mean healthy ways of fulfilling needs. Healthy [or sufficient] fulfillments of needs means contented and peaceful life where there is no fraud, injustice, corruption, dishonesty, envy, jealousy, greed, resentment [for others], and crime.

Whoever acts righteously does so for himself, and whoever works evil does so against himself. Your Rubb is not unjust to his servants (41:46).

Religion keeps people motivated even in the state of deprivation. It encourages:

………. [those who] are patient in poverty and hardship ………. (2:177)

It explains why some are privileged and some are deprived.

………. It is We who have apportioned among them their livelihood in the life of this world and have raised some of them above others in degrees [of rank] that they may make use of one another for service……… (43:32)

Religion does not let greed or envy rule the hearts and souls.

And do not extend your glance towards what We have given some classes of them to enjoy – the splendor of the life of this world – that We may test them thereby. Your Rubb’s provision is better and more lasting (20:131).

It gives people hope that:

With hardship comes ease (94:6).

Religion not only keeps people patient but also honest in the hardest of their times – they do not adopt unfair means to satisfy their needs and desires. They keep their dignity and self-esteem high no matter how deprived they are. Religion thus keeps people satisfied [with dignity and honor] that what they have is sufficient.

And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits [food], but give good tidings to the patient, who when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed We belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return (2:155-156).

Families where religion is not observed properly fail to produce children who remain calm and hopeful even in the time of deprivation. Children from such families always remain stressed and doleful with what they have. Envy and greed keep them unsatisfied with what they have and make them run after what they do not have or what others have.

Dissatisfaction with what is in hand and desire for more puts people in the stress of competition, where they exhaust themselves in the race for more. The culture of greed and envy not only disturbs physical, mental, and social peace, but it also disrupts the family structure. It compels men to do multiple jobs and stay away from their homes for a longer time. Similarly, it also compels women to leave homes to earn more [money] for their family. Absence of both parents from home means isolated, neglected, and unguided children. Studies in the field of mental health reveal that childhood neglect or loneliness affects emotional stability, focus, intelligence, and learning of various physical and social skills of the growing children. This is the cost that parents pay for the pursuit of their desires.

A culture of [social and economic] peace can only prevail in human society if its individuals have sufficient knowledge of the requirements of peace [that what is right or good for their peaceful survival and what is wrong or damaging for them]. Knowledge is a very powerful element of a human life – it destroys the falsehood and helps in the refinement of beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors of the individuals.

Knowledge does not come on its own; it requires willful efforts to enrich souls and nourish minds. Only those who make this effort can find peace and fulfillment in their lives.

……. Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves……. (13:11)

      (i) Role of knowledge in the development of beliefs, attitudes, and behavior:

Knowledge, or understanding of reality, plays a crucial role in the development of different beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. Those who, for example, know the reality of the sun, stars, or the moon take them [or react to them] differently from those who do not have true knowledge of these and believe them [and worship them] as their gods.

People believe in different realities according to the extent of their knowledge. The more they know, the more they can improve their response [or behavior] towards different realities and correct their mistakes that they used to make in the time of ignorance.

As humans have limited capacity to experience different realities, they cannot discover everything or know about all realities [on their own]. They need to seek guidance from the religion [given by Allah]. Religion basically expands human knowledge and gives information about different subjects that is otherwise impossible to acquire from any other source. It:

Taught man that which he knew not (96:5).

It, for example, gives information about the existence of Allah, Who is Omnipotent and Omniscient. Similarly, it also gives information about the coming of the Day of Judgement [when people will be resurrected to account for what they used to do in this world]. It is certainly impossible to find such information from any other source, but its validity can be verified by the methods we use to test the authenticity of any concept.

The most reliable methods that we use to check the authenticity of any notion are based on science. Science, though, cannot grasp who Allah is but gives numerous evidences of His presence to prove that He is the reality. Details have already been given in Chapter Eight].  

No vision can grasp Him, but His grasp is over all vision. He is the Subtle, the Expert (6:103).

Similarly, science has no access to the Hereafter, but still, [based on the information given by the religion of Allah], it confirms its possibility [details have already been given in Chapter Six].

The knowledge of the existence [and Omnipotence and Omniscience] of Allah and the coming of the Day of Accountability keeps people fearful of Allah and cautious of their deeds and decisions. Moreover, hope for getting the best reward for being cautious keeps them motivated to stay on the course [of life] that is recommended by Allah [and brings peace to their lives].

…………And fear Allah and know that you will meet Him. …………. (2:223)

………Then every soul will be compensated for what it earned…………. (2:281)

…………The enjoyment of this world is little, and the Hereafter is better for he who fears Allah ……. (4: 77)

All natural and social sciences [as we have seen throughout this book] confirm that the course of life [or religion] recommended by Allah is the best [way of living on earth] and the only way that brings peace to human life, and a little deviation from it can cause serious individual and social problems. The course of life recommended by Allah contains honesty, justice, kindness, humility, sympathy, care, respect, gratitude, tolerance, and patience. No other source on earth can introduce these qualities to humans or teach them how to make them part of their lives. Thus, those who do not seek guidance [knowledge] from religion cannot learn attitudes and behaviors that are essential for bringing peace to life.

Knowledge of positive behaviors is not just enough for making peace; knowledge of what should be avoided is also important. It is only religion that explains what kind of attitudes and behaviors should be adopted and what should be avoided to achieve [personal and social] peace. [Some details of such attitudes and behaviors have already been given in previous chapters, and some are coming up in the next sections and chapters]. Those who do not seek guidance from religion do not know what behaviors they should avoid and why it is essential to avoid them. Moreover, they do not know why it is important to control certain emotions and desires [that instinctively emerge in response to certain clues or situations]. As they do not know the reasons for such control, they cannot develop patience and other behaviors related to self-control.

And how can you have patience for what you do not encompass in knowledge? (18:68)

Staying positive and having control over individual desires is essential for collective peace and survival. Those who lack knowledge of religion cannot understand how important it is to sacrifice some of their rights, resources, and desires for others to establish peace. 

Control over desires and emotions is not only important for social peace but also for self-purification. Self-purification means taking measures [to become a peacemaker and] to attain perfection for the eternal life. No other source of knowledge gives information about eternal life and explains the purpose of human life. Only religion [of Allah] explains that the purpose of [the present] life is to achieve perfection for the eternal life. Such awareness motivates people to maintain positive [and peacemaking] attitudes and behaviors and control their desires and emotions. Otherwise, there is no other way that can consistently keep humans positive, and peaceful.

Knowing the purpose of life is very important. Purpose makes each and every action meaningful. It makes it clear why some actions should be avoided and others pursued. If purpose is not known, life becomes a collection of meaningless and useless activities. This is the reason those who do not seek guidance from religion cannot understand the true purpose of life. They thus keep themselves indulged in useless activities.

Do they not reflect within themselves? Allah did not create the heavens and the earth, and what is between them, except with reason, and for a specific duration. But most people, regarding meeting their Rubb, are disbelievers (30:8).

And they say, “There is none but our worldly life, and we will not be resurrected.” (6:29)

They know what is apparent of the worldly life, but they, of the Hereafter, are unaware (30:7).

As for those who do not believe in the Hereafter: We made their deeds appear good to them, so they wander aimlessly (27:4).

They spend their entire life running after the material of the world. They set goals for worldly things. What they attain in this world, consider it their ultimate achievement [or power]. As the true goal of their life is not clear to them, they consider tiny goals [like getting a certain thing, status, power, degree, job, favor, or level of fame] as their big achievements, and worldly loss as their big loss.

…. avoid him who has turned away from Our remembrance and desires nothing but the present life. That is the extent of their knowledge ……………. (53:29-30)

Whether they achieve or lose, they cannot keep themselves composed – the achievers become arrogant, and losers become depressed. Whereas those who have the knowledge of religion also make efforts to achieve their worldly goals, but they neither go arrogant when they achieve success nor get depressed when they lose anything; and if they do, they amend their behavior and come out of that state very quickly. Reliance upon Allah and fear of Him keep them contented and composed both in adversity and prosperity.

That you may not sorrow over what eludes you, nor exult over what He has given you………. (57:23)

Those who do not pay attention to religion or seek guidance from it cannot believe in the existence of Allah, the truthfulness of His message and His messengers [both humans and angels], and the life hereafter. They thus cannot develop a personality that can learn attitudes and behaviors essential for personal and social peace [details of how these beliefs develop a personality [of a person] have already been given in Chapter Six]. It is thus only religion that can effectively teach humans how to live with others and secure their healthy survival.

Interestingly, acquiring knowledge of the religion [of Allah] does not require any regular education from any formal school, college, or university. Religion can simply be learned at home. It only requires a listening [and understanding] learner [or a child], a stable environment [home], and well-aware, and responsible parents who can teach their child lifelong lessons with full dedication.

As mentioned before, the main guiding source for parents is religion. Children growing up in families where parents lack knowledge of religion often have a disturbed personal and social life because they, despite having plenty of worldly knowledge, splendor, status, and position, cannot learn attitudes and behaviors essential for a positive/peaceful lifestyle.

………….. remain on a right course and follow not the way of those who do not know (10:89).

Once one knows the realities, it becomes easy for him/her to discard anything that is wrong.

Knowledge thus gives courage to unfollow or say “NO” to the wrong ideas [beliefs], behaviors, traditions, and culture.

And We strengthened their hearts when they stood up and said, “Our Rubb is the Lord of the heavens and the earth; we will not call on any god beside Him ………. (18:14)

Humans, as mentioned before, cannot survive without others; their peace and prosperity are linked with the peace and prosperity of the others. Lack of [such] knowledge makes people self-centered who care about only themselves and give no importance to others. If religion had never existed in human societies, people would never have known that others are as important as their own selves, and they all deserve to be treated nicely.  

………………… be good to the parents, and the relatives, and the poor, and the neighbor next door, and the distant neighbor, and the close associate, and the traveler, and your servants ……… (4:36)

16.14 HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY OF NICE AND VICE BEHAVIORS

Humans [like all other biological creatures] are instinctively inclined to be treated nicely and are averse to mistreatment. Babies as young as a few months old can discriminate between basic nice and rough behaviors and prefer to be treated nicely; this is the reason they get irritated in response to harsh/rough behavior and calm down in response to nice behavior.

Being treated nicely [and justly] is an instinctive need of all humans. This is the reason fair and nice behaviors are appreciated everywhere and at all times. Similarly, negative behaviors are always disliked/despised in all societies [details of such behaviors have already been given in the above sections]. Interestingly, even those who give bad treatment to others want good [nice] treatment for themselves. Those who, for example, are aggressive, liars, greedy, unjust, dishonest, selfish, rude, arrogant, and fraudulent never want to be treated the same – they want to be treated fairly and nicely.

16.15 IMPORTANCE OF THE LEARNING OF NICE BEHAVIORS

Humans are naturally loud and aggressive [its reason has already been explained in Section 16.13] but guidance from the religion makes them polite and humble. Religion teaches the appropriate tone for intercommunication. Appropriate or polite tone not only helps in the initiation of effective communication, but it also creates a positive aura for desirable [or positive] social interaction.

Appropriate or polite tone is very important for the expression of needs – one who needs something must learn how to ask for it appropriately or nicely. As humans are always in constant need of one kind or the other, it is, therefore, important for them to learn appropriate [nice] ways of asking what they need; otherwise, they cannot meet their needs as they desire.

Learning appropriate attitudes [of social living] and positive behaviors [i.e., pleasing manners] of asking for what is required [or desired] help people fulfill their needs in a pleasant, cooperative, and healthy way. These attitudes and manners help them build positive social connections with others, who, in turn, not only fulfill their needs but also provide them confidence for further positive interaction. Thus, with appropriate attitude and manners, they create a positive and healthy environment for themselves where they can fulfill their different needs in a peaceful manner.

Similarly, desire for getting fair and nice treatment is though instinctive; getting such treatment from others or giving such treatment to others needs learning. Home is the primary school of learning manners and etiquettes [of peaceful life] and other social skills. After learning from home, the child moves to a broader social circle [outside the family] where he/she is expected to behave in accordance with human expectations [i.e., nicely and justly]. If a child does not learn appropriate behavior at home, he or she cannot match the social expectations and thus faces resentment and resistance that makes his/her life stressful. Moreover, if there is no proper [parental] guidance, the child does not know how to mend his/her behavior and come out of the stressful situation. He/she adopts defensive behaviors like aggression, accusation, arguing, abusing, lying, backbiting, dodging, and cheating [details of how these behaviors develop have already been given in section 16.13]. All such behaviors make his/her life more troublesome [because they are not appreciated in society]. They add stress, anxiety, depression, and many other physical, mental, behavioral, and social problems from which he/she cannot find any way out.

As one who is not taught can never learn, similarly, one who never learns cannot teach how to be fair and nice. Families where parents do not learn from religion can neither teach their children nice behaviors nor keep them motivated to maintain these behaviors throughout their lives [because there is nothing else on earth except religion that can give motivation to do so]. It is only religion that gives people hope for the best reward, which keeps them motivated to maintain their nice behavior throughout their lives.

Indeed, Allah will admit those who have believed and done righteous deeds to gardens beneath which rivers flow………. (47:12)

Allah will acquit them of the worst of their deeds, and will reward them according to the best of what they used to do (39:35).

Those who believed and their offspring followed them in faith – We will unite them with their offspring, and We will not deprive them of any of their works (52:21).

Nice [or positive] behaviors cannot develop without having positive beliefs and attitudes. Positive beliefs and attitudes, however, do not develop by themselves. They require proper guidance to be developed [or to develop them in someone else]. Responsible parents, in this respect, can play the most important role in developing the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors of positivity and peace in their children through guidance.

16.16 THE ROLE OF RESPONSIBLE PARENTS IN DEVELOPING POSITIVE BELIEFS, ATTITUDES, AND BEHAVIORS IN THEIR CHILDREN

Though humans are naturally inclined to be treated nicely, they need to learn how to receive such treatment from others. Similarly, they also need to learn how to give nice treatment to others because others also expect the same from them.

Humans, as mentioned in Section 16.13, are born with crude behaviors [to deal with life threats], but they need to refine them because every situation is not threatening to their life. Babies who once cry loudly to express their needs eventually learn to express the same needs through words without crying [or being loud].  However, those who do not receive proper guidance continue to be loud and harsh despite learning words to express themselves. Learning nice or appropriate attitudes and behaviors [of peaceful life] in the early years helps children throughout their lives. If such learning [or practice of these attitudes and behaviors] does not take place at the right time, then there is no magic that can suddenly transform a raw child into a nice person in his/her teens, twenties, forties, or sixties without any guidance and practice. Responsible parents, in this respect, play a vital role in transforming a crude and loud individual into a polite and calm person.

We have learned in Section 16.9, that it is only religion that has introduced ethics or manners of living together to humans. Responsible parents, therefore, learn from religion and guide their children in the way that is most suitable for their healthy growth and social survival. 

They:

…….. listen to the Word [of Allah] and follow the best of it. These are they whom Allah has guided. These are they who possess intellect/understanding (39:18).

………. who, when reminded of the verses of their Rubb, do not fall upon them deaf and blind. And those who say, “Our Rubb, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous” (25:73-74).  

Parents who themselves seek guidance from the right source can guide their children well. Otherwise, it is difficult to raise children according to the way that is desirable to all humans. It is, therefore, important that both parents should have strong belief in five fundamentals [mentioned in Chapter Six] and ample knowledge of the rules of life [or religion] given by Allah [mentioned in various chapters of this book]. One parent with belief and the other with disbelief or weak belief cannot bring up the child perfectly. It is, therefore, important to marry a believing person who himself/herself is aware of the instructions of Allah and can transmit them to his/her children with full responsibility.

Do not marry idolatresses unless they have believed. [Marrying] a believing maid is better than an idolatress, even if you like her. And do not marry idolators unless they have believed. [Marrying] a believing servant is better than an idolator, even if you like him. These call to the Fire, But Allah calls to the Garden and to forgiveness, by His leave. He makes clear His communications to the people, that they may be mindful (2:221).

……protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones……. (66:6)

As parents are the first role models for their children, they, therefore, need to be more careful because their beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors serve as an example for their child.

Responsible parents constantly seek guidance from the Book of Allah to improve themselves and transmit what they learn to their children through their words and actions. They instill fundamental beliefs in their children that bring positive changes to their personalities. Responsible parents, from the beginning, direct their children where to look for guidance about different affairs of life.

Your God is one God. There is no god but He………. (2:163)

………..the guidance of God/Allah is the [only] guidance……. (6:71)

And turn to your Rubb for everything (94:8).

The introduction of the Guiding Source [Allah] and the explanation of His Omniscience [Wisdom] and Omnipotence [Power] in the early years of learning strengthen faith and fear in developing the mind of their child. It has already been explained in detail in Chapter Six that how faith in Allah and fear of Him makes a person cautious of all his/her acts; How belief in all messengers develops respect for all communities of humanity; how belief in the Books of Allah strengthens confidence for what is learned; how belief in the angels gives clarity about different happenings in one’s life; and how the explanation of the Hereafter in the early years makes the purpose of life clear from the very beginning.

Responsible parents are seekers of the knowledge of religion and are believers in the religion of Allah. They focus on the One and Only Source of Guidance, Allah. They do not associate anything or anyone with Him. They teach their children that associating others with Allah is misguiding and damaging for one’s own soul [details have already been given in Chapter Twelve]. They, thus, make their children cautious of their every single act by informing the Might/Power of Allah and explaining how each and every act of theirs is accounted for and will be highlighted in the Hereafter [details about the Hereafter have already been given in Chapter Six].

And when Luqman said to his son while he was instructing him, “O my son, do not associate [anything] with Allah. Indeed, association [with Him] is great injustice (31:13).

[Luqman said], “O my son, even if there were the weight of a mustard-seed, in a rock, or in the heavens, or on earth, Allah will bring it to light. Allah is Kind and Expert (31:16).

And remember your Rubb within yourself in humility and in fear without being apparent in speech – in the mornings and the evenings. And do not be among the heedless (7:205).

………… remember Allah standing, sitting, or [lying] on your sides…… (4:103)

………. and fear Allah. Allah is severe in punishment (59:7).

Fear of Allah, as mentioned above, does not let anyone go astray.

…………… Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what you do (59:18).

Beliefs do not develop easily, as just by giving some simple instructions they start shaping up personality and bringing changes in an individual. They are philosophies that need time to accumulate in one’s personality. Messengers, therefore, spend their lives imparting these philosophies to their communities, and parents also need years to teach them to their children.  

Right beliefs [mentioned in Chapter Six] develop a personality that is positive, cautious, respectful, calm, and clear about the purpose of life. If individuals with such a personality are guided appropriately, they develop attitudes and behaviors that help them in building healthy social connections with others [details of some of these attitudes and behaviors have already been given in Chapter Fourteen]. These positive connections provide emotional support in different social setups. It is, therefore, important to learn these attitudes and behaviors for a healthy social and emotional survival.

Like beliefs, attitudes and behaviors also do not get strengthened [or become habits] in a flash; they also need time to be repeated over and over. To learn them all, it is important that parents and children should live and spend time together. Home/family is thus the best environment where children learn the primary lessons of the attitudes and behaviors important to initiate and continue healthy and positive [social] interactions. Family, being a permanent institution, provides enough time for a child to learn and absorb the essentials of a desirable, positive, and productive character. Homes are thus where characters are built. Homes where families live but do not spend enough time together do not [or rarely] produce positive/peaceful, productive, or responsible individuals. Those who somehow succeed in achieving these qualities have a history of many mistakes, struggles, and hard times.

Growing children need guidance in every new situation of their life. Responsible parents with their consistent presence in their children’s environment teach them everything with full determination and dedication. They [through their words, attitudes, and behavior] show their children the attitudes and behaviors of peace. In other words, they show their children with practical demonstration how to be humble, polite, kind, cooperative, fair, honest, tolerant, and patient. Moreover, they guide their children how to make better choices or good decisions; accept responsibilities [without blaming others] if something goes wrong; solve problems; resolve conflicts/differences; observe patience; manage stress [by relying on Allah]; make compromises; ask apologies; forgive others; and handle various other situations according to the rules [religion] given by Allah. Such learning enhances the emotional intelligence of their child.

Emotional intelligence is the ability that helps people not only to understand and manage their own emotions but also the emotions of others [especially with whom they interact]. Understanding and managing the emotions of others is equally important as understanding and managing your own emotions. Uncontrolled emotions [from any side] may cause big problems and lead the matter to verbal or physical fights and [sometimes] to irreversible damages like loss of lives. One who is emotionally stable, self-controlled, adaptable, and understands the viewpoint and emotions of others can maintain positive and healthy relationships very effectively.

Along with emotional intelligence, evaluation intelligence is also important for a healthy personal and social life. Sufficient exposure of knowledge enhances the ability to evaluate different objects, needs, tasks, emotions, words, gestures, dealings, relations, and situations. Right assessment, calculation or judgement is important for deciding where to sacrifice one’s right and where to fight for it. It also helps in deciding what should be valued most [deserve attention] and what is least important. It thus helps in setting priorities and making preferences. Once priorities are set, it becomes easy to organize life and manage relations [both with Allah and mankind]. Responsible parents, in this respect, help their children to evaluate different things intelligently by giving them sufficient knowledge about various things.

Correct evaluation is not only important for social but also for personal peace. A person with wisdom [intelligence] to evaluate knows well what the real loss is and what should be ignored or let be gone without taking any stress. Moreover, it gives a better understanding of needs – that what is actually needed and what is more than one’s reasonable needs. A person with such knowledge does not waste his/her energies in running after unnecessary desires. He/she stays contented and remains focused on his/her true goal – the attainment of perfection for the next life.

.. So whatever thing you have been given – it is but [for] enjoyment of the worldly life. But what is with Allah is better and more lasting for those who have believed and upon their Rubb rely (42:36).

Right evaluation is also important for true appraisal. Appreciation generates pleasant feelings and contentment. Those who cannot estimate the true value of things take everything for granted and remain devoid of getting pleasant feelings related to different blessings. They keep searching for happiness in false objects. They, therefore, cannot find true happiness and contentment and remain dissatisfied with their life.

………. Indeed, Allah is full of bounty to the people, but most of them are not grateful (10:60).

Responsible parents keep reminding their children of the countless blessings of Allah found in different forms, all around, and within them to make them thankful to Allah.

And if you should count the favors of Allah, you could not enumerate them………. (16:18)

……. be grateful to Allah. And whoever is grateful is grateful for [the benefit of] himself ………. (31:12)

Gratitude generates the chemical called serotonin in the brain. Unlike dopamine [that creates a temporary sense of pleasure], serotonin creates feelings of happiness and wellbeing that last longer and give the feeling of contentment/satisfaction. Serotonin also suppresses the urge for more and keeps a person satisfied with the least. 

Responsible parents develop the attitude of gratitude in their children by teaching them to be satisfied with what they have. Having satisfaction with what one has comes with control over desires. Control over desires does not come instantly or on its own. It needs guidance and constant reminders from the very beginning of life.

………… do not follow [your] desire, as it will lead you astray from the way of Allah……… (38:26)

And do not confer favor to acquire more. But for your Rubb be patient (74:6-7).

Having control over desires is one of the most laborious tasks. It requires tolerance and patience that come with willful sacrifice or abandonment of some comforts and luxuries.

Never will you attain the good [reward] until you spend [in the way of Allah] from that which you love. And whatever you spend – indeed, Allah is Knowing of it (3:92).

Understanding the difference between needs and desires is very important. Needs are essential for survival, whereas desires drive people to make this survival comfortable and luxurious. There is no harm in seeking comforts to secure survival.

Say, “Who forbade Allah’s finery, which He has produced for His servants, and the delights of livelihood?” ………………… (7:32)

The problem begins when the pursuit of more comforts and luxuries does not come to an end. The race for more makes people exhausted and diverts them from the real goal – the attainment of perfection [details of perfection have been given in previous chapters]. The presence of some guiding figure in one’s life is important who keeps reminding that living beyond needs and spoiling means of sustenance is not good for human peace.

O children of Adam, take your adornment at every masjid, and eat and drink, but be not excessive. Indeed, He [Allah] likes not those who commit excess (7:31).

Reasonable comforts are important for a normal life. [This is the reason] Allah facilitates humans by providing them various clues in their environment so that they can create or invent variety of things to make their lives comfortable [details have already been given in Chapter Nine]. Responsible parents help their children build connections with nature. It helps their child get inspiration from nature.

Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of the night and the day are signs for those of understanding who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth [saying], “Our Rubb, you did not create this aimlessly……………. (3:190-191)

Inspirations from nature make people creative [details about how nature inspires people to be creative have already been given in Chapter Nine]. Though creativity is important for progress, it has a pitfall too: when a person acquires more worldly knowledge, he/she becomes arrogant.

……. man transgresses because he sees himself self-sufficient (96:6-7).

……………….. when We favor him with a blessing from Us, he says, “I have attained this by virtue of my knowledge.” However, it is a test, but most of them do not know (39:49).

And when it is said to them, “Bow down to the Merciful,” they say, “And what is the Merciful? Are we to bow down to whatever you command us?” And it increases their aversion (25:60).

As mentioned in Section 16.13, along with worldly knowledge, the knowledge of religion is also important – it keeps people humble, cautious, and peacemakers. Worldly knowledge helps to survive in this world, but the knowledge of religion helps to survive in both worlds. Responsible parents, therefore, not only care for their child to have a better life in this world but also the best for the next.

………. Worship Allah and fear Him. That is better for you…………. (29:16)

Responsible parents teach their children the ways of building connections with Allah. They direct their children towards worshipping.

When your work is done, turn to devotion [worship]. And to your Rubb turn for everything (94:7-8).

Different practices of worship [like prayer, charity, and fasting, etc.] are not only important for finding mental peace but also for disciplining life.

………..establish prayer and give zakah and hold fast to Allah………… (22:78)

The practice of different worships from the early years of life helps in developing focus, organizing time, controlling desires, building patience, and relaxing the mind – all very important for a healthy and peaceful life [details about these disciplining practices in the next chapters].

One of the most important things to discipline life is time management. Everything in the universe [like the sun, moon, earth, etc.] follows time accurately– they perform their assigned activities on their specific time. This is the reason we see changing of day and night, changing of seasons, blooming of flowers, ripening of fruits, and the development of all biological lives taking place at their specific time.  

Responsible parents teach their children the importance of time and a disciplined life. They start their day early in the morning and organize their activities. They pray regularly with their children to build in them the habit of time management and to give them the awareness that Allah is the Priority, Who should be worshiped on time, no matter how busy their daily routine life is.

…. the prayer is obligatory for believers at specific times (4:103).

Regular views of parents observing prayers motivate young children to build connections with Allah. The benefits of building connections with Allah have already been discussed in Chapter Six. This gives them psychological support, and they never lose hope or get depressed, even in the hardest of times. Such hope gives them strength to face the hardships of life. Moreover, praising Allah in times of pain and distress lessens the intensity of these feelings and gives strength, hope, and comfort to their hearts.

And seek help through patience and prayer……… (2:45)

………. surely, it is in the remembrance of Allah that hearts find comfort (13:28).

And content yourself with those who pray to their Rubb morning and evening, desiring His presence.……. (18:28)

Remembrance of Allah keeps humans focused on the purpose of life.

………………. And do not obey him whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance – so he follows his own desires – and his priorities are confused (18:28).   

Other disciplining practices, like fasting and giving charity [or sharing], develop tolerance, patience, and control over desires. By observing these practices from early years, a child learns to sacrifice his/her desires, develop tolerance to face hardships, and empathize with the pains and troubles of others. These feelings develop helping and cooperative behavior, which is the backbone of a social life – no group, family, or community can survive long if its members do not help or cooperate with each other.

And spend in the way of Allah, and do not throw [yourselves] with your [own] hands into destruction [by refraining]. And do good; indeed, Allah loves the doers of good (2:195).

Responsible parents always stay active in developing healthy traits in their children. They guide their children as to how to talk, walk, and sit; how to treat people; and what to eat or drink and how to be dressed up.

[Luqman said,] O my son, observe the prayer, advocate righteousness, forbid evil, and be patient over what has befallen you. These are of the most honorable traits (31:17).

[Luqman said to his son], “Do not treat people with arrogance, nor walk proudly on earth. Allah does not love the arrogant showoff” (31:18).

And moderate your stride and lower your voice………………” (31:19)      

Healthy food keeps bodies fit and strong. Healthy bodies, as mentioned in Chapter Four, make a healthy society. Responsible parents maintain healthy food habits and avoid intoxicants and other harmful foods, drinks, and drugs that might cause illness at a later stage. They guide their children about these things in detail so that they can stay healthy. [Further details in the next chapter; mentioning them here might take us off the topic.]

O you who believe! Eat of the good things We have provided for you and give thanks to Allah if it is Him that you serve (2:172).

Humans are the only biological creatures who need to cover their bodies [with extra material or clothing] to protect themselves from physical harms [as that of harsh weather] and moral harms [exposure of their certain body parts rouses/elicits certain emotions of the seeing person, which might cause moral and social problems]. Responsible parents, in this respect, guide their children as to how to be dressed up properly and nicely.

O children of Adam! We have provided you with clothing to cover your bodies, and for luxury. But the clothing of piety – that is best……… (7:26) [Details in the next chapters.]

It is only religion that has given humans awareness about how to keep themselves clean and eat food that is healthy and free of all kinds of filths. A clean lifestyle, healthy food habits, and consistent mind-relaxing practice [in the form of prayers] do wonders against anxiety, depression, and other psychological problems and keep human minds and bodies calm and healthy.

And purify your clothes. And abandon abominations [uncleanliness] (74:4-5).

Humans, as mentioned in Section 16.13, are naturally inclined to aggression, negativity, and wrongdoing if they are not guided properly.

………. Indeed, the soul is a persistent enjoiner of evil ……… (12:53)

Responsible parents keep their children vigilant and guided about negative impulse/intrusive thought/inside whisper/Satan that keeps deviating them to do something against the rules, ignore Divine Commands, and run after desires and other vices.

………….do not follow the footsteps of Satan. Indeed, he is to you a clear enemy (2:208).

He [Satan] commands you to do evil and vice, and to say about Allah what you do not know (2:169).

And if an evil suggestion comes to you from Satan, then seek refuge in Allah. Indeed, He is Hearing and Knowing (7:200). [more details about Satan in the next chapters].

Avoiding negative or damaging behaviors is as important as adopting positive behaviors. Responsible parents are always present in their child’s environment to guide him/her that the use of bad language, lying, backbiting, ridiculing, deceiving, accusing, arrogance, boasting, provocation, fault-finding of others [or mentioning faults of others publicly], hypocrisy, rumoring, spying, and stealing, etc. is wrong and must be avoided [references have already been given in Chapter Fourteen].

……… No people shall ridicule other people, for they may be better than they. Nor shall any woman ridicule other women, for they may be better than they. Nor shall you slander one another with names. Evil is the return to wickedness after having attained faith. Whoever does not repent – these are the wrongdoers (49:11).

……. Avoid most suspicion – some suspicion is sinful. And do not spy on one another, nor backbite one another…… (49:12)

Reasonable restraints or strictness are sometimes necessary to control children from taking the wrong course. Responsible parents know the importance of maintaining good behavior; a little flexibility in any inappropriate behavior can bring changes in the rest of the behaviors. They, therefore, take a firm stance against the infiltration of any negative behavior.

They keep check on all negative activities of their children and act as a barrier against different social evils. They are not only guiding but also watchful of their children’s activities. They intervene if they see any infiltration of bad behavior in their child. They thus provide their children guidance and surveillance altogether.

Societies where wrong is not called wrong become morally corrupt and eventually get destroyed no matter how strong they are.

Have they not travelled the earth and seen how those before them ended up?……….. (30:9)

…………evil was the end of those who committed evil…………. (30:9-10)

They used not to prevent one another from wrongdoing that they did. How wretched was that which they were doing. You see many of them becoming allies of those who disbelieve. How wretched is that which they have put forth for themselves in that Allah has become angry with them, and in the punishment they will [be driven to] abide eternally (5:79-80).

Facing restrictions, strictness, and disapprovals at home prepares a child to face even more intense behaviors and gestures in broader circles of society. A pampered child cannot face harsh behaviors of the outside world and quickly give up or fall into depression even on the slightest of ruffles or displeasuring remarks. Feeling sad or getting offended [by the restrictions and disapprovals from home] is sometimes good to learn that life does not always go as one desires.

Responsible parents are strict but not unreasonable. They are listening to the stance of their children. By listening to them, they give confidence to their children to express themselves.

Expression of thoughts, opinions, and emotions is very important for mutual understanding and good relationships. Responsible parents create opportunities for family discussions. They get their children involved in these discussions and encourage them to share their opinion. Children with such learnings, when they become [adults and] active members of their society, then:

…………….. conduct their affairs by mutual consultation and give [good advice from] what [wisdom] We have provided them (42:38).

Consultation is a human requirement because no one holds the entire knowledge; everyone needs the help of the other.

.……. above every person of knowledge, there is one more learned (12:76).

Religion, therefore, advises people:

………. ask the people of knowledge if you do not know (16:43).

Responsible members of a family, whether they are parents or children, take advice or beneficial information/knowledge or a piece of advice with an open mind and heart. They do not show resistance or feel ashamed of getting it from their juniors or even if they are their children. They know that their knowledge is not ultimate. They thus keep improving themselves by learning from each other.

O my father, indeed there has come to me of knowledge that which has not come to you, so follow me; I will guide you to an even path (19:43).

Family is the only human institution that not only binds different individuals together in blood relations but also grooms them for a better life. It provides the best opportunity to learn from each other.

Children through family discussions learn how to convey their thoughts, feelings, opinions, and needs properly [or in a good manner] and listen to others patiently. Such learning helps them build healthy social connections [with a larger group of people] when they grow up and enter the bigger social circle.

Moreover, from such family discussions, children learn that their stance or opinion might not always be accepted or appreciated – it might be declined. This is how they learn to face and manage rejections and other multiple reactions. Parents, grandparents, children, siblings, and cousins each having different thoughts and opinions make up a mini society. Here they all learn manners of living together – how to react, correct, and accept each other’s behavior.

Accepting others by managing or suppressing emotions and having patience and tolerance for different behaviors is very important for a healthy social life. A responsible family provides the best environment where child learns to manage emotions to achieve internal and external peace.

When a child grows, his/her social circle also grows. This circle contains many characters, of which friends are the most important. Friends, after parents, play the most influencing part in one’s life. Like other matters, responsible parents keep guiding their children about what kind of company they should keep or avoid and how they should spend time with their friends.

………. Do not befriend people with whom Allah has become angry………. (60:13) [Details in the next chapters.]

Children are children; whether they are young or grown, they need guidance at every step. Responsible parents teach their growing children all Divine commands associated with marriage and its related issues lest their children go astray or indulge in any immoral activity. Children with such learnings start their family by taking full responsibilities. They, therefore, always turn out desirable spouses and parents [details of marriage and its related matters have already been given in Chapter Fifteen]. Children who do not receive such guidance cannot handle their marital relations properly and make their family life miserable with their own hands.

Although Divine Books/Scriptures present religious principles and preserve them for future generations, religion is ultimately propagated through the words and actions of its followers. One of the most important things responsible parents do is that they educate their children to spread the religion of Allah through their words and actions to those who are unaware or least aware of it. It is only through propagation that morals and ethics spread, and a good environment or culture develops in a society.

And let there be [arising] from you a nation inviting to [all that is] good, enjoining what is right and forbidding what is wrong………. (3:104)

Invite to the way of your Rubb with wisdom and good instruction, and argue with them in a way that is best…… (16:125) [details about the spread of the message of Allah in the next chapters]

In the spread of the Message of Allah, one might face some difficulties, like resistance or denials. The guidelines from the Book of Allah help to manage everything with peace and positivity.

.. Be patient. Your patience is solely from Allah. And do not grieve over them, and do not be stressed by their schemes (16:127). [Details of dealing with negativity in the next chapters]

Peace is essential for human survival. It should prevail at any cost. Negativity [in the form of ignorance, injustice, and aggression], however, is present everywhere to sabotage peace. Responsible parents teach/guide their children as to how to deal with ignorance, violence [aggression], injustice, and preserve/restore peace in society [according to the commands of Allah]. Such knowledge of the restoration of peace is important at the individual level because when efforts are needed at the collective level, then everyone is aware of his/her duty of peacemaking. [details in the next chapters].

And those who, when wronged, defend themselves (42:39).  

Responsible parents always give their children the lessons of courage and bravery for standing up against invasion and hostility.

…………they strive in the cause of Allah and do not fear the blame of a critic………… (5:54)

Allah has purchased from the believers their lives and their properties in exchange for Paradise. They fight in Allah’s way, and they kill and get killed. It is a [true] promise binding on Him in the Torah, and the Gospel, and the Quran………. (9:111)

If the individuals of a society are not taught how to defend themselves, the wicked conquerors impose their own concepts, laws, and traditions and sabotage the existing culture.

……When kings enter a city, they devastate it and subjugate its dignified people. Thus, they always do (27:34).

As responsible parents receive guidance from religion, they know that mixing truth with falsehood is wrong. They, therefore, always guide their children to be truthful and follow only what is true.

And do not mix the truth with falsehood or conceal the truth while you know [it] (2:42).

Responsible parents transfer religion to their children without any exaggeration. They know that exaggeration distorts realities and is misleading.

………. Do not exaggerate in your religion, and do not say about Allah except the truth……. (4:171)

Ignorant individuals and families cannot keep their religion secure from falsehood. They believe and adopt everything they come across without investigating its authenticity. This is how religion gets distorted and loses its original form.

……do not exceed limits in your religion beyond the truth and do not follow the inclinations of a people who had gone astray before and misled many and have strayed from the soundness of the way (5:77).

Responsible parents keep their children protected from the harms of misinformation and disinformation by teaching them how to deal with the fake news.

………. if a troublemaker brings you any news, investigate…… (49:6)

Human society is a mixture of guided and unguided people.

……….. and among you is the disbeliever, and among you is the believer…… (64:2)

The unguided keep spreading evil in society; and the guided keep protecting themselves and their families from their harms. The only protection against misguidance is guidance. Responsible parents thus always keep their children guided.

…………..He who has strayed cannot harm you if you are guided………… (5:105)

Guidance comes with knowledge. Knowledge is the most powerful weapon that not only guards against the evils of disinformation [or falsehood] but destroys them forever.

… We dash the truth upon falsehood, and it destroys it, and thereupon it departs……. (21:18)

The seekers of truth thus desire nothing but an increase in their knowledge.

…………. “My Rubb, increase me in knowledge” (20:114).

Awareness about the attitudes and behaviors of peace would have never come to humans if religion had not existed in their societies. Similarly, these attitudes and behaviors would not have been strengthened in humans if there had been no concept of a stable family, and parents had never taken on the responsibility of imparting the knowledge of religion to their children.

Responsible parents do not assume that their children will have knowledge of the religion [of Allah] on their own or from any other source. They, rather, themselves teach each bit and detail of religion to their children. They know that the more they are aware, the more efficiently they can guide their children. They, therefore, keep refreshing the Message of Allah [in their minds] by reading/revising the Book [or listening to its recitation] regularly. They not only read the Book [or listen to it if it is being recited], but make sure that their children should also read [or listen to] it and understand it.

This [Quran] is enlightenment from your Rubb and guidance and mercy for a people who believe (7:203).

So, when the Quran is recited, then listen to it and pay attention that you may receive mercy [in the form of peace] (7:204).

………. And fear Allah and listen; and Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people (5:108). 

16.17 SIGNS OF RESPONSIBLE PARENTS

We have seen that all guidelines about positive attitudes and behaviors [that are essential for a peaceful lifestyle] are given by the religion. Responsible parenting, therefore, cannot be done without seeking guidance from it. Only after learning from religion can parents teach their children the positive and peaceful ways of life. Religion, as mentioned before, has been existing in human societies throughout ages with different names; whether it has some ancient name or is called Judaism, Christianity, or Islam, all these names have taught the same message of the wellbeing of humanity. Similarly, the followers of the religion of Allah have also remained part of human society throughout time. They, when become parents, guide their children according to what they learn from religion. The first sign that is common to all responsible parents, no matter from which era, area, or strata they belong to, is that they all believe in Allah and His religion.

They believe in Allah and the Last Day, and they enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and hasten to good deeds……. (3:114) 

They do not rely on worldly things or be afraid of them. They fear Allah and respect religion. While they rely on Allah, they remain positive [hopeful and composed]. Similarly, as they seek guidance from religion, they have control over their emotions, especially unnecessary worldly fears and anger. Since they do not fear people or worldly things, they do not feel any psychological threat from them [that forces them to adopt the negative behaviors mentioned in Section 16.13]. As they feel no psychological threat from the others, they remain respectful and listen to them and take every good advice with an open mind and heart. The guidance from religion not only makes them humble, polite, tolerant, patient, accommodating, and respectful [to others], but also makes them truthful, honest, justful, helping, caring, consulting, cooperative, and kind. They not only express themselves clearly but understand the emotions and point of view of the others. Moreover, they are not only forgiving and overseers of the faults of others, but apologetic and repentant of the mistakes of their own.

They have control over their desires and do not run after the fleeting trends of the world. They fear Allah and do not get involved in immoral activities. They know how to manage negativity or negative thoughts. They have a healthy lifestyle, have healthy food habits, and avoid intoxicants. They know how to talk, walk, sit, eat, drink, and dress up nicely.

As they know religion, they not only care about the present life but also for the next. They are self-improving and clear about the purpose of their life. They know their roles and responsibilities and are good at setting priorities and organizing their lives. They not only guide their children but are also watchful of their activities and always remain available for them in times of need. They are keepers of their words, and their actions match with their words.

They are respectful and listening to their parents, reformers of themselves, aware of their responsibilities [as parents], and exemplary in their behavior, [by setting positive examples] for their children.

And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, “My Rubb, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You [and reformed myself], and indeed, I am of the Muslims [Peacemakers]” (46: 15). [Becoming a peacemaker is the ultimate goal of the present existence of humans. The attainment of the peacemaking qualities can make them perfect, and only perfect humans, according to religion, deserve to lead the eternal life. ………. And whoever has become Muslim – those have sought out the right course (72:14).]

16.18 WHY DO SOME CHILDREN NOT LEARN FROM THEIR PARENTS?

It is a common observation that different children raised by the same parents are distinct from each other.

Allah presents an example:

On earth are adjacent terrains, and gardens of vines, and crops, and date-palms, from the same root or from distinct roots, irrigated with the same water. We make some taste better than others. In that are proofs for people who reason (13:4).

Similarly, parents give the same advice to all their children, but the way their children take that advice is different – some listen carefully while others do not. Even among the children of the Messengers were some who listened not to guidance.

………….. Noah called to his son, who was apart, “O my son come aboard with us and be not with the disbelievers.” [But] he said, ‘’I will take refuge on a mountain to protect me from the water.” [Noah] said, “There is no protector today from the decree of Allah, except whom He gives mercy.” And the waves came between them, and he was among the drowned (11:42-43).

Guidance cannot be effective without a listening and attentive receiver. Those who do not listen or pay attention to any advice cannot learn from guidance or refine their behaviors.

……. Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves……. (13:11)

16.19 SIGNS OF IRRESPONSIBLE PARENTS  

Those who do not pay attention and listen not to guidance are found in every era and in every society. They keep themselves involved in useless activities and cannot find time to worship and build connections with Allah. 

No good is there in much of their private conversation……. (4:114)

And when it is said to them, “Bow [in prayer],” they do not bow (77:48).

And if some of them worship, they do not do it as it should be done [details in the next chapters].

………. And when they stand for prayer, they stand lazily, [showing themselves to] the people and not remembering Allah except a little, wavering between them, [belonging] neither to the believers nor to the disbelievers……… (4:142-143)

As they do not humble themselves through guidance and worshipping, they cannot build control over their emotions. They easily get irritated; quickly become aggressive; and often get into physical fights over petty things. They take every situation threatening to their ego, pride, and importance and make it a habit to react aggressively and negatively. As they lack guidance, they become arrogant and disrespectful if they gain power or authority. They, therefore, feel nothing wrong with physical and verbal abuse and humiliation. Similarly, when they are deficient, they look for shortcuts through dishonesty and unfair means. As they are devoid of guidance, they do not realize their mistakes. They assume that they are right and do not need any improvement in their attitudes or behaviors. As they see nothing wrong in themselves, they get offended when advised. They sometimes repent but do not reform themselves and keep repeating the same mistakes again and again. They avoid taking responsibilities and put blame on others for their failures. They often rationalize their ill behavior towards others and assume what they have been doing is right.

Their words do not match with their actions and often set bad examples for their children. As role models, they show their children that aggression, abuse, humiliation, fraud, cheating, dodging, lying, and backbiting are fine or normal. They also show their children that breaking rules and laws, dishonoring words, promises, contracts, or agreements, avoiding duties, and destroying the possessions of others is not a big deal.

They lack empathy and do not care about others or respect relations. They hardly make any emotional bonding or develop sincere relationships. They often remain absent from home, scene, or situation and rarely care about the wellbeing or emotions of their dependents. Their harsh, rude, sarcastic, disrespectful, unjust, deceiving, blaming, complaining, humiliating, and ridiculing attitude generates discomfort, frustration, and resentment and causes tensions, conflicts, and rifts in relationships.

As they do not observe religion properly or seriously, they cannot build connections with Allah. They quickly lose hope in the time of crisis, and many of them get involved in drugs, alcohol, and various unethical and immoral activities to find relief.

They fear people more than Allah and develop in themselves all those negative attitudes and behaviors that result from unnecessary fears [details of such attitudes and behaviors have already been given in Section 16.13].

They have no or weak belief in the Hereafter. They consider that the present life is the only life, and they can do anything they want without any accountability. Such perception [of life] makes them impulsive, selfish, and careless. Their impulsive nature drives them to seek pleasure in worldly things. Their desires make them greedy, impatient, wasteful, and selfish. As they see only limited aspects and believe that the present life is the only life, their only concern is to make themselves happy. They run after luxuries and believe that expensive things will make them look wealthy and successful. As role models, they show their children that running after new models, new fashion, new designs, and new trends is good. They do not care about the wellbeing of others and keep adding waste to their environment by discarding things quickly one after the other and replacing them with new ones. They do not care that the earth has taken billions of years to become a livable place for humans, and they should protect it by not being wasteful or adding pollution to it.

As they do not follow [the] religion [of Allah] properly or seriously, they cannot build the character of their children. Characters are built when certain beliefs are strong, positive attitudes are present, the etiquettes of social life are known, emotions are controlled, consequences of the irresponsible behaviors are known, awareness about the good and the bad is there, techniques of disciplining mind and body are known, and the negativity that disrupts the thought process is identified [all these aspects have been discussed in detail in the above sections]. As these people lack guidance, when they start their family and become parents, they produce nothing but troubles for their society.

As they lack guidance, they are either too strict or too careless. Being strict, they put unreasonable restrictions on their children, do not let them express themselves, and constantly criticize and humiliate them. Constant criticism and humiliation add problems to the normal or healthy growth of their children, which makes them either shy [who avoid speaking, listening, actively participating in different activities, and even thinking] or stubborn and rebellious. When these children become active members of society, they face multiple problems in social adjustments. Being careless, these parents are too flexible and neither check their children’s activities nor prevent them from engaging in wrong behaviors. They do not care how their children talk, walk, and dress up; what kind of food they eat [or drink]; what kind of company they keep; and how they spend their time. Flexibility in checks and reminders makes their children insensitive to wrongdoings. However, it is noteworthy that parenting [style], whether it is strict or gentle, does not fulfill the criteria of responsibility if it fails to teach the basic lessons of civilized life.

Those who lack guidance neither themselves play their role responsibly nor let their partner play it well. They intercept and sabotage every effort made by their partner for grooming their child. Their criticizing and neutralizing behavior confuses the young minds of their children as to what is right and what is wrong.

Irresponsible parents do not have the knowledge [of religion]; they, therefore, keep their children deprived of it. They neither pay attention to the Book [of Allah] nor make any effort to make their children understand it.

…do you assume that most of them hear or understand? They are just like cattle, but even more errant in their way (25:44).

As they do not pay attention to religion, they cannot learn the manners of living together or how to live a positive, healthy, and calm life. They keep making trouble in their personal and social lives – they neither get peace in their own lives nor do they give it to others. Their irresponsible attitude and behavior not only disturb their relations, destabilize their family, and devastate their own peace but also that of their generations.

16.20 THE CLARITY OF LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

It is a common perception that love brings peace and strength to relations; however, it causes no less harm as any negative attitude or behavior does. Love, in fact, has two sides – positive and negative. Though its positive side brings joy and comfort to the hearts, its negative side generates biasness, jealousy, hatred, and fury against those who come across its ways. Religion thus has always guided people to treat love with care.

And know that your properties and your children are but a trial and that Allah has with Him a great reward (8:28).

Love stays good when it is in moderation, but when it grows intense, it becomes destructive. It takes over the insight and blurs the true picture. It affects judgments, causes prejudices and jealousies, and creates hurdles in making justice and peace.

…. stand firmly for justice, as witness to Allah, even if against yourselves, or your parents, or your relatives……… (4:135)

………let not the hatred of certain people prevent you from acting justly………. (5: 8)

Love [for anything] makes people selfish. They do not care about the wellbeing or respect of others if they come in their way to achieve what they love. It makes people, families, tribes, communities, and even countries hate and fight against each other.

Love, therefore, always needs to be controlled, otherwise it goes wild and lethal especially when it takes the course of “more.” Love for more is a form of desire that makes people ignore or forget the commands of Allah. Ignoring the commands of Allah means ignoring the peaceful ways of life.

Beautified for the people is the love of that which they desire – of women, and sons [children], heaped-up sums of gold and silver, fine branded horses, and cattle and tilled land. That is the enjoyment of worldly life, but Allah has with Him the best return (3:14).

O you who have believed, let not your wealth and your children divert you from the remembrance of Allah. And whoever does that – then those are the losers (63:9).

Love also creates hurdles in building character. It does not let parents be firm or strict in building the character of their children. It makes them overlook the character flaws of their children. As they do not see any flaw in their child, they do not make any effort to fix it. When the bad is not called bad, gradually it becomes an acceptable social norm. This is how immoralities and other negative behaviors become part of [the culture] of a society.

Unnecessary love from parents makes their children egocentric. Such children consider that the entire world revolves around them only. It makes them selfish, arrogant, and disrespectful.

Love also makes parents weak [or less determined] in the implementation of disciplining practices for their children. They, for example, do not put their children in the rigors of worship like prayer, thinking it will disturb their rest. Similarly, they do not encourage them to fast because they do not want their child to stay hungry for a long time. Moreover, they do not teach their children the lessons of caring [for the needs of others] and sharing [their fortune and privileges with others]. The lack of disciplining practices [like prayer, fasting, charity, etc.] in child’s life makes him/her impatient, selfish, misers, and neglectful [of the needs of others].

The love for family and children makes people selfish and stingy. Instead of sharing, they spend their wealth to attain more comfort and luxuries for their children. The love for family and luxuries compels parents to leave their homes to earn more for their children. In the pursuit for more comfort and luxury, they stay away from home and forget their duty of raising their children according to the rules [religion] given by Allah. They thus lose the real purpose [of their lives] – the accomplishment of perfection for themselves and their extended parts, i.e., their offspring. They do many things against the commands of Allah for the love of their family [to provide them luxury and comfort], but at the end they find nothing but complains of their family and children [for not fulfilling their endless desires]. The love of their family and children thus not only disturbs the peace of their present life but creates disaster for the next.

Your wealth and your children are but a trial [to see who makes the best use of them], and Allah has with Him a great reward. So, fear Allah as much as you are able and listen and obey and spend [in the way of Allah]; it is better for yourselves. And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his soul – it is those who will be the successful (64:15-16).

Wealth and children are the adornments of the present life. But the thing that lasts, the virtuous deeds, are better with your Rubb for reward, and better for hope (18:56). 

O mankind, fear your Rubb and fear a Day when no father will avail his son, nor will a son avail his father at all. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth, so let not the worldly life delude you …………. (31:33)  

…When there comes the Deafening Blast. On the Day a man will flee from his brother. And his mother and his father. And his wife and his children (80:33-36).

………the criminal will wish that he could be ransomed from the punishment of that Day by his children. And his wife and his brother. And his nearest kindred who sheltered him. And whoever is on earth entirely [so], then it could save him. No! Indeed, it is the Flame [of Hell], a remover of exteriors [skins]. It invites he who turned his back [on truth] and went away [from obedience]. And collected [wealth] and hoarded (70:11-18).

16.21 ATTITUDES ESSENTIAL FOR THE PEACE AND STABILITY OF A FAMILY

As it is only religion that taught humans to establish a formal family, it also taught them how to keep it peaceful and stable. Families that come into existence by ignoring the rules of religion either fall apart quickly or suffer the agony of constant disputes.

Disputes emerge in every social situation because everyone has his own unique thoughts, interests, experiences, capacity of knowledge, and opinion, and sees [and evaluates] life according to that perspective. Those who do not seek guidance from religion or have weak knowledge about the religion deal their disputes with anger, aggression, abuse, and accusation. By doing so, they make their disputes more intense, and instead of resolving them and finding peace in their lives, they create more problems for themselves and others. As they lack guidance, they cannot mend their damaged relations properly, and their problems become worse with the passage of time.

There is nothing on earth except religion that can teach people on how to handle relations, resolve disputes, mend damaged relations, and accept each other despite their differences.

Religion explains the reason for these differences and guides people how to tackle them.

………. And We have made some of you [people] as trial for others – will you have patience? And ever is your Rubb, Seeing (25:20).

We will certainly test you, until We know those among you who strive, and those who are steadfast, and We will test your reactions (47:31).

Everyone is a test for the other to see how patiently they endure each other, overlook their mistakes, and forgive for the sake of peace. This test gets more intense when people with whom they interact are troublemakers. Troublemakers [or negative personalities], as mentioned in Section 16.11, exist in every society and in every family. They become a part of a nice and guided family either because they are born in it [and neither listen nor pay attention to any advice] or they are married with any member of that family.

……… indeed, among your spouses and your children are enemies to you, so beware of them. But if you pardon and overlook and forgive – then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful (64:14).

………… And live with them in kindness. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good (4:19).

Living together is a human compulsion; they cannot survive on their own individually. They, therefore, need to accept each other with patience and tolerance, make sacrifices and compromises, and forgive each other’s mistakes.

Though religion gives lessons of tolerance, patience, compromise, and forgiveness, it does not insist on enduring every injustice. It gives full freedom to retaliate and fight for the right. Retaliation, though, lightens anger; it causes damage too. Reconciliation/forgiveness, however, is the best option for resuming peace in life.

The repayment of a bad action is one equivalent to it. But whoever pardons and makes reconciliation, his reward lies with Allah …………… (42:40)

As for those who retaliate after being wronged, there is no blame on them. Blame lies on those who wrong people and commit aggression in the land without right …………… (42:41-42)

…whoever endures patiently and forgives – that is a sign of real resolve (42:43).

And race towards forgiveness from your Rubb, and a Garden as wide as the heavens and the earth, prepared for the righteous – those who give in prosperity and adversity, and those who restrain anger, and those who forgive people. Allah loves the doers of good (3:133-134).

Humans make mistakes because they are not perfect [they have yet to achieve perfection]. As they are not perfect, they deserve a chance to reform themselves [and be forgiven]. Being intolerant of somebody’s mistake is thus not a desirable act in the books of religion.

……. Indeed, your Rubb is vast in forgiveness. He was most Knowing of you when you were fetuses in the wombs of your mothers. So do not claim yourself to be pure ……. (53:32)

………. You yourselves were like this before, and Allah bestowed favor on you [by forgiving you] ……. (4:94)

Every doer of mistake regrets at one point or another and expects to be forgiven by Allah. Allah is vast in forgiveness and appreciates those who forgive others.

………. would you not like that Allah should forgive you?……. (24:22)

Any misconduct might be a result of deficient upbringing or lack of knowledge. It can be fixed by giving or getting awareness.

Awareness can correct many behavioral flaws. However, those who turn blind or deaf on getting awareness cannot improve their behavior. They, despite being forgiven multiple times and given numbers of chances to reform themselves, do not change or improve their behavior. They keep avoiding guidance and creating troubles for the others.

Indeed, those who disbelieve – it is all the same whether you warn them or do not warn them – they will not believe (2:6).

Troublemakers are not only those who do not listen to guidance or believe in the religion, but also those who accept only a part of the religion and do not follow it completely.

And of the people are some who say, “We believe in Allah and the Last Day,” but they are not believers (2:8).

And when it is said to them, “Do not cause corruption on the earth,” they say, “We are but reformers.” Unquestionably, it is they who are the corruptors, but they perceive [it] not (2:12).

Living with the troublemakers without shaking family relations or disturbing the peace is a real challenge. Though some endure everything with patience, some decide to part ways. Religion does not mind if someone decides to part his/her way from the troublemaker for the sake of peace. It rather gives guidance on how to make this process less damaging and more peaceful.

 … If they decide on divorce – then indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing (2:227).

… if they separate [by divorce], Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise (4:130).

Though religion does not mind breaking relations on personal grounds, it does not allow to break the relationship of kindness and humanity. It provides guidelines on how to behave even after a breakup so that the relationship of humanity may not suffer any damage.

And divorced women shall be provided for, equitably – a duty upon the righteous. Allah thus explains His revelations to you so that you may understand (2:241-242).

……………….. And do not evict them [i.e., the divorced women] from their homes, nor shall they leave, unless they have committed a proven adultery. These are the limits of Allah; whoever oversteps Allah’s limits has wronged his own soul. You never know; Allah may afterwards bring about a new situation (65:1).

Allow them [i.e., the divorced women] to reside where you reside, according to your means, and do not harass them in order to make things difficult for them. If they are pregnant, spend on them until they give birth. And if they nurse your infant, give them their payment. And conduct your relation in amity. But if you disagree, then let another woman nurse him. The wealthy shall spend according to his means, and he whose resources are restricted shall spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah never burdens a soul beyond what He has given it. Allah will bring ease after hardship. How many a town defied the command of its Rubb and His messengers? So We held it strictly accountable, and We punished it with a dreadful punishment. It tasted the result of its decisions, and the outcome of its decisions was perdition. Allah has prepared for them a severe retribution….. (65:6-10)

There is no blame upon you if you divorce women; you have not touched nor specified for them an obligation. But give them [a gift of] compensation – the wealthy according to his capability and the poor according to his capability – a provision according to what is acceptable, a duty upon the doers of good. And if you divorce them before you have touched them and you have already specified for them an obligation, then [give] half of what you specified – unless they forego the right or the one in whose hand is the marriage contract foregoes it. And to forego it is nearer to righteousness. And do not forget graciousness between you. Indeed, Allah, of whatever you do, is Seeing (2:236-237). [For more details, see Chapter Fifteen]

Humanity cannot sustain its peace if people are not kind to each other. Dissociation from relationships does not harm peace as dissociation from kindness and humanity does. Religion therefore does not mind if people dissociate themselves from each other, but it does not allow them to sever or break the relationship of kindness or humanity.

You will not find a people who believe in Allah and the Last Day, loving those who oppose Allah and His Messenger, even if they were their parents, or their children, or their siblings, or their close relatives.……………. (58:22)   

………… when it became apparent to Abraham that his father was an enemy to Allah, he disassociated himself from him……… (9:114)

Kindness is the only attitude that amazingly keeps people binding together in the relation of humanity even if they dissociate themselves from the relation of love from each other.

… if they [i.e., parents] strive to have you associate with Me something of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. But keep them company in this life, in kindness, and follow the path of him who turns to Me. Then to Me is your return, and I will inform you of what you used to do (31:15).

There is no other way that can keep people caring, respectful, patient, forgiving, and united even if they dislike each other except kindness. Kindness, contrary to love, is unidimensional – it has no negative side. It does not let any bitterness come among them and bring peace to their relations.

Compassion or kindness does not develop without tolerance and patience, and tolerance and patience do not develop unless there is a solid reason [or strong motivation]. Only the pledge of obedience with Allah and awareness of the Day of Accountability and Reward can keep people motivated to endure patiently each other’s misbehavior. [Details of the pledge of obedience with Allah, and the Day of Accountability and Reward have already been given in Chapters Thirteen, and Six, respectively.]

Those who fulfill the promise to Allah and do not violate the agreement [or pledge of obedience with Allah]. And those who join what Allah has commanded to be joined [i.e., the relationship of humanity], and fear their Rubb, and dread the dire reckoning. And those who patiently seek the presence of their Rubb, and pray regularly, and spend from our provisions to them, secretly and openly, and repel evil with good. These will have the Ultimate Home. Everlasting Gardens, which they will enter, along with the righteous among their parents, and their spouses, and their descendants. And the angels will enter upon them from every gate. “Peace be upon you, because you endured patiently. How excellent is the Final Home!” As for those who violate the promise to Allah, after pledging to keep it, and sever what Allah has commanded to be joined, and spread corruption on earth – these, the curse will be upon them, and they will have the Worst Home (13:20-25).

16.23 FAMILY AS AN INSTITUTION MUST MAINTAIN ITS EXISTENCE AT ANY COST

Differences and disputes exist everywhere; they exist in families too. Though we cannot eliminate them completely, we can reduce them to the minimal level [by seeking guidance from religion] and can avoid any major damage. Guidance from religion makes family a place of [positive] learning and grooming. Whereas ignorance from religion makes family a hub of [negative] learnings, disputes, and disruption.

Irresponsible families not only spoil their own peace but also give their society more irresponsible individuals and problems. However, it doesn’t mean that family shouldn’t exist at all. If irresponsible families spread disruption in society by producing wicked, corrupt, and immoral people on the one hand, responsible families also prepare virtuous and civilized individuals on the other.

If the institution of family goes vanish from human society, the multiplication of human race can still take place, but it cannot groom or civilize itself. We have learned in Section 16.13 that wicked, corrupt, and immoral individuals instinctively/impulsively develop if there is no guide, guidance, or family, but the preparation of virtuous and civilized individuals is impossible without having a formal family system. No school, college, university, or any social institution can refine human behaviors so long and in such a detail around the clock as family can.

Religion though gives knowledge of a peaceful life; it cannot be effective unless it is implemented in human life. Family is the only institution where individuals can efficiently learn how to implement religion in their lives. The lessons of religion [that shape beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors] learned in early years from parents/family have profound and lasting impacts on one’s character or personality. A person with such learning [almost] remains the same throughout his/her life, no matter what kind of knowledge or professional skill he/she learns later in life from different schools, colleges, and universities. The characters built in a family together with the professional skills learned from other institutions shape individuals into honest or dishonest, moral or immoral, responsible or irresponsible professionals [like businessmen, doctors, engineers, teachers, lawyers, politicians, journalists, administrators, clerks, and laborers, etc.]. As human society is based on mutual contribution, all these professionals or workers are required at one place or another. Their character, personality, and behavior affect the whole society in one way or another. If families do not build character of their individuals, they cannot make a healthy, strong, and positive nation. Families, in other words, not only build characters of the individuals but also of the nations [by teaching religion to their young brains].

All teachings of the religion of Allah are based upon peace. Only those who learn religion can constitute a peaceful society and deserve to be called ‘Peacemakers’. It is only a responsible and stable family that prepares peacemakers for their society. If this important institution does not exist at all [or goes vanish], we can neither find peacemakers nor peace in human societies. If we want peace and peacemakers to exist in society, then we must maintain family as a strong institution.  

If we wipe out the family system from human society, we still can produce genius and skilled professionals, leaders, and workers, but we cannot make them virtuous and moral people. Societies where the family system becomes weak, or families do not fulfill their responsibilities eventually become corrupt. Their members remain morally and socially debased no matter how much worldly knowledge they secure and how much worldly status or position they acquire. Their corruption [and immorality] circulates in every class, profession, and business of life. When societies [stop giving and learning lessons of virtuousness and morality and] become corrupt and immoral, nothing can protect them from devastation.

…. Travel through the land; then observe how was the end of the deniers [of the religion of Allah] (6:11).

How many a guilty town have We crushed, and established thereafter another people? Then, when they sensed Our might, they started running away from it. Do not run, but come back to your luxuries, and to your homes, that you may be questioned. They said, “Woe to us; we were unfair”. This continued to be their cry, until We made them silent ashes (21:11-15).

O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded (66:6). [Details of who/what angels are and how they obey the commands of Allah have already been given in Chapters Three and Six.]  

No society can maintain its peaceful existence unless it follows religion, and religion cannot become wholistic to human life without the institution of a family.

Satan [or negative thoughts], being an enemy to humanity and religion, keeps deviating people by suggesting that family is a place of disputes or family binds you in extra responsibilities; so, avoid [establishing] it. No family means no protection, no care, no lifelong guidance, no grooming essential for the healthy survival of humanity, no respect, no values, no ethics, no morality, no healthy society, and no peace.